This Ain't No Motley Crue Show, Honey...The Final Chapter

Following the frantic purchase of 5 shirts at the merch booth (mine being a Black Kat Kustoms white wife-beater, of course), we headed out back to hang by the Social D. tour bus. The crowd there was small but enthusiastic. Booby girl was there, flashing her tits to anyone who asked...and at the tour bus...she REALLY wanted on that bus. I was chatting and sharing my Canadian cigarettes with a very nice girl, whose name I neglected to get. We were having fun but we all wanted to meet Mike Ness in a bad way.

Beth just wanted a souvenir from the show...a t-shirt just wasn't good enough, I guess. Her brilliant idea was to appropriate the license plate from the tour bus...go for it, baby...I'll be your look out. I had faith in her and her multi-tool...but alas, the multi-tool was one tool short and she gave up.

Rejoining the rest of the gang empty handed, I began talking with Alyssha, AKA booby girl. Her boyfriend is the most patient man on the planet...that's all I'll say.

Trevor disappeared behind the bus after taking Beth's mult-tool, but also returned empty handed...oh well. Shaking his head, the always reasonable Rob told us "You don't steal the license plate from a band that you like! That just screws them over." Good point...never thought about the possible consequences...ooops.

Okay...I'd waited long enough. I wanted to meet Mike Ness NOW! Just as I was about to flash MY boobies at the bus, a security dude came out and asked that we all extinguish our cigarettes...Mr. Ness was not coming out if we were smoking. WHAMMO...about 20 cigarettes hit the pavement and we held our breath...

All attention was on Mike Ness as he emerged from the bus. Inconspicuous was Johnny Two Bags who was wandering around the crowd. Beth was chatting with him, not realizing who he was...he even gave her a Baby Ruth chocolate bar after she mentioned she was hungry. Alyssha took notice of this and was a bit jealous, I think. Slinking over to them she said to Johnny, "I like candy. I like Tootsie Rolls" as she inserted her index finger into her mouth, rather suggestively, and sucked on it whilst removing it. BOY she wanted on that bus BAD! The classic response from Johnny Tow Bags was, "This ain't no Motley Crue show, honey." DEE-NIED!! It's good to know that a nice set of tits doesn't always get you what you want...

Joining Beth and Johnny, I got his autograph as Beth told me the tale of the chocolate bar and booby girl...we laughed.

Rob had the whole band sign his ticket. Trev was next in line to get Mike Ness' autograph. Handing him a pink girlie T, Trev felt the need to confirm his masculinity, and stated, "This is for my girl". Mike looked up at him with a thats-pretty-obvious-dude grin on his face...it was amusing.

I was next. I was nervous. It was Mike Freakin' Ness! Rob gave me a shove and there I was standing next to him. I looked down...WOW!...I had no idea he was short...his stage presence is so dynamic and huge. I proceeded to make a jack ass out of myself. "I have so many other peoples sweat all over me because of you and it's so cool!" is what I said to him. I became one of my own pet peeves...fans that say stupid things to their idols...IDIOT!

He looked up at me with this "Okay, what ever lady" look on his face and signed my shirt. Yep, I made quite the impression...drunk, smelly, babbling like an idiot wearing a mangled cowboy hat. I kinda wished I was booby girl at that point.

But the stupidity didn't stop there. The first thing I did after he signed my shirt was light a cigarette. I'm such a fucking moron! Grabbing me by the arm, Rob quickly pulled me away, reminding me about the whole smoking thing...SHIT!...I put it out.

Satisfied with our spoils, we decided to find a bar, have some beverages and discuss the show. Passing the bus, we noticed the license plate was gone...interesting...probably removed by security so idiots like us wouldn't steal it...ooops again.

Trev and Beth had to pee. Trev peed in a ditch. Beth couldn't do it. We went to the strip joint, but were not willing to pay $5.00 each to get in. Beth still had to pee. A peeler took Beth by the hand and took her to the bathroom...what a nice stripper lady.

Our only other adult beverage option was a pool hall that said "Casino" on their sign...but it wasn't a casino. Rob knew it wasn't a casino, but how, we're not sure...not that we wanted to gamble or anything, but the sign said "Casino". How did he know it wasn't a casino? It was perplexing and we obsessed on the whole casino thing until we got inside and realized, indeed, it was a pool hall and not a casino...very odd.

We took our places at the bar, ordered a jug of Blue and discussed the show. We all came to the same conclusion...it was AWESOME! We talked with the bartender for a bit, he ordered pizza for us and we headed back to the hotel.

In the room, we scarffed down the pizza, drank more beer and watched "Saturday Night Live". I took some goofy pictures and we crashed out around 1:00am...well, most of us crashed.

Trev snores REALLY loud. I snore pretty loud, but only when I've been drinking. Beth's snore is more like a purr. That left Rob wide awake for most of the night.

In the morning, I opened my eyes to see Trev trying to snuggle with Rob. It was too cute...I took a picture. Rob woke up cranky.

Beth reported over hearing Rob mutter under the snores, "Jesus Christ, just let me sleep." He said at one point during the night, he tried to sleep on the floor by the door...he even thought about getting his own room. Poor guy...I'm so sorry, honey.

We gathered our stuff and checked out hung over. Off to Denny's for breakfast...a very expensive breakfast but at least the juice wasn't served in a shot glass....mmmmm, hydration....

We were on the road back to the Sault by noon.

The ride home was fun, listening to Mike Ness and Social Distortion all the way. Beth and I slept a good portion of the way in the back seat...we felt safer back there, unable to see our near-deaths.

We stopped in Petoskey for a bit to look around and have lunch, which proved difficult. It seem s every restaurant in town is closed Sundays...every place Beth recommended was closed. We ended up at a coffee shop called the "Roast and Toast"...very cool place and I highly suggest you try it while visiting Petoskey.

After a short customs search at the Sault boarder, we arrived home by 6:00.

It was one hell of a show, not to be soon forgotten. I can't wait to see them again...

This Ain't No Motley Crue Show, Honey...Part II (Licked by an Elephant)

This is what Mike Ness may have looked like in my pictures...FUCK!!!...okay...I'm over it now. Not really, but I'll pretend that I am...for your sake...

We missed the first act, The Eyeliners, an all girl punk band signed to Joan Jett's label, Blackheart Record Group. Apparently they're quite good, so here is their website for your listening and viewing enjoyment.

The next act, whose name escapes me, was very hardcore, very loud and pretty damn good...way better than "Johnny Petoskey"...buncha angry young men...Beth described the lead singer as a combination of Jack White and Craig West...hmmmm...interesting...long lost brother perhaps?

They left the stage and I was happy...happy because it was almost Mike Ness time...intermission music played...the Clash, the Ramones and a SMOKIN' version of "Black Betty" I ended up tracking down through "Lime Wire"...a band called "Spiderbait"...very cool...

Link Wray's Rumble cut through the smoke and called everyone to the stage, making us aware that something intense was about to happen. Rob disappeared into the crowd to secure his spot in front of the stage. Trev hung back to guard drinks and stay out of the way. Beth held my purse in her bigger purse. The Band took the stage and my nipples got hard.

He spoke...

"Awfully fucking early for a rock and roll show, isn't it?" It was about 7:30 at this point. "Let's get this Motherfucker started!" I was pleased to see he was on stage sans eyeliner...time to ditch the cosmetics, Mike, you've out grown them...

They were about one verse into the opening song, "Mommy's Little Monster", when I was overcome by a sudden urge to dive into the mosh pit. After all, Mike Ness could not spot me, fall in love and insist I fly away with him if I was hiding at the back of the room, now could he...I went for it.

Pushing and prying my way through mass of writhing, sweaty, smelly people was more fun than I anticipated. I spotted my opportunities and took them quickly. I would hover over some little girly girl, knowing she would not be able to last too long...sure enough, she would eventually look up at her boyfriend, terrified, and they would leave, letting me slip right in...the fact that I was pushing extra hard and being extra rough to these girls had nothing to do with it...

I was paid back...lost my hat a couple of times...had to sacrifice my image to save the hat by securing the chin strap...yep, I looked like a fucking dork, but I knew Mike wouldn't mind...got kicked in the head I don't know how many times...almost lost my glasses a few times...lots of elbows in the ribs...my feet were not touching the ground for a while, and when they were, they got crushed...IT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING FUN!!!! Even Beth could not resist the call of the pit, and ventured in for the last half of the show.

Mid-way through the show, Mike brought an adorable little girl onto the stage...the same little girl Trev had on his shoulders for a while. He delivered a speech about how much he appreciates all the "old timers" who have supported him these past 20 odd years. All the young guys around Rob turned and looked at him...sorry, dude...then Mike went on to say how important it was to teach the young ones not to make the same mistakes we did, following which they played "Prison Bound"...fitting...and the highlight of the show for Rob.

My highlight was "Story of My Life" and I danced as much as one could dance in such close quarters.

The highlight of the show for the band was when some...I think the term "broad" best describes her...got up on her boyfriend's shoulders, pulled down her red and white striped tube top and flashed her boobs to Mike Ness. "Wow. Wasn't expecting that. I've lost my train of thought." said Mr. Ness. I can understand why...those breasts were real and quite impressive...she should be proud. There is more about boobie girl to come later.

"I better hear all you Motherfuckers singing to this one!" was Mike's order to the crowd as they played Ring of Fire ...we complied and the crowd surfers were exceptionally busy, as well as security...it was one hell of a fucking rib crushing, ear bleeding, breath taking, sweat inducing, painful but fun, goddamn fucking awesome show!

I felt like I had been licked by an elephant when I emerged from the pit....