Wednesday, March 23, 2005

late night down town terror

...So boys and girls, Auntie Donna has a story to tell...a story of fear...a story of terror...a story of REVENGE!...my revenge...

It all started as a lovely evening of fine original music, glitter painting and a couple of frosty adult beverages at the Downbeat. At about 2:30 in the a.m. I was getting ready to leave when I noticed someone farting around with my car, which was parked right in front of the Downbeat's front door. Upon closer inspection, I realized they were IN my car rooting through all the crap in the front seat (ballsy, I must say). I ran to the front door, threw it open and screamed, "Can I fucking help you?!!", closely followed by Trevor, who encouraged me to run after the three female teen hoodlums, now tearing down Queen Street. "Don't worry, I will," I responded calmly.

Insert side note here: Anyone who knows me knows the unfortunate history of my car; while my mother was in possession of it, it was broken into four times and stolen once. Since I have been it's "lucky" owner, it has been stolen once, broken into three times (once in my own driveway!), run into a couple of times and a fight at Foggy's happened on it's hood. These kids picked the wrong car to fuck with...you could say I snapped a bit...but you be the judge...now on with my tale!


After retrieving my coat from the bar and saying good night to Trevor, I got into my car, cracked my knuckles and prepared for the hunt. I must admit, I snickered to myself in anticipation as I punched the gas and ripped down Queen in search of the "little darlings".

Not a moment later, I spotted them behind the museum. As soon as they saw my headlights, they BOLTED. I TORE through that parking lot in pursuit, easily catching up with them. I turned and came to a screeching halt, cutting them off at the alley beside Top Hat, nearly missing one of them by about three inches causing her to fall on her bottom, the poor little thing. (I kind of felt like daisy Duke...or maybe Starsky...either way, it was FUN! I have never driven like that in my life!) The other two ran up the afore mentioned alley...the DEAD END alley...creating a very amusing cartoon-like scene as they tried to escape the crazy lady by scrambling up the brick wall and falling over eachother in the process. I rolled down my window and shouted, "You wanna fuck with my shit?! Now I'm gonna fuck with your shit! ..... RUN!!"...and they ran...fast.

I sat in my car, giving them a minute or so head start laughing to myself...no longer a snicker, but a loud maniacal laugh, causing me to question my own sanity. Then I thought, "Fuck it!...I'm having way too much fun" and burned off in pursuit once again.

This time, I decided to think like a terrified teenager...where would I go if some lunatic was trying to run me down?... Horton's, of course. Right as rain, there they were, trying to dodge me behind a Greyhound bus. I parked on Brock Street and waited...this is MY game...I make the rules...I can be patient...

As soon as I saw them dart for Horton's door, I ripped into the parking lot. I parked the car and went in just in time to see them run out the back door. I calmly walked up to the counter and asked,
"Did three young girls just run out of here?"
"Yes, they went that way", said the nice donut lady, pointing in the direction of their escape route.
I then told her, "They just broke into my car. I'll take a large to go...it's going to be a long night."
She laughed, maybe a bit nervously...

Returning to my vehicle, I began to think, "Maybe I scared them enough....NAHH!" and laughed to myself, yet again, as I took off in search of my prey.

With it now being almost 3 a.m., it was quite easy to find my threesome...not much going on down town Sault Ste Marie at 3 in the morning...just a little attempted vehicular manslaughter...no big whoop...

As I was chasing them through the Parking lot behind the CIBC, I began to realize that they MUST be tired from all the running and falling and looting of strangers vehicles. I decided to lay off...just a bit. I just followed them for a while...for about ten minutes...just when they thought they lost me, there I was. I finally called it quits when they reached the Mikes Mart on Wellington St. and I started home...and yes, I laughed to myself again...

When I got home, I regaled Rob with my tale of adventure...he laughed and told me he was proud of me. In the morning, he shook my hand and welcomed me to the small yet mighty world of those who have tried to kill someone with a car. Being a former Hack, he has done this on more than one occasion. I told him I didn't try to KILL them, I just wanted to scare them. With a raised brow and an "uh-huh" from the Slack, I admitted I may have wanted to kill them, just a little bit...

The moral of the story;
"Don't fuck with me or I'll run you down in my car. I've done it before. I'll do it again!"

Terrifying the snot out of teens is fun. I think I'll do it again sometime...

3 comments:

Leann said...

LOLOL....thank you for that laugh. We should all be so "ballsey". They deserved it and I'd love to have been a passenger in that car, especially in the alley!! You go girl!!

Craig said...

Hey Slackhopper ... congratulations and welcome to the wonderful world of blogging ... and great story by the way.

Anonymous said...

LOL -- Chicks who kick ass are the coolest! You go gurl!

§hria