Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey Meet the Crack Hobo, Part III

Audioslave was FANFUCKINGTASTIC!! Chris Cornell was perfect. The tiny glimpses I saw around Mr. Fathead in front of me, were chock-full-'o spunk. Audio-Steve even made it down to the floor with the aid of Blondie's ticket...he lasted only four songs, big baby! Very amusing was the determined crowd surfer who finally made it close enough to the stage to have Mr. Cornell give him a "high-five", immediately after which he dropped completely out of sight and more than likely got trampled to death...hey, he died happy if that was the case...rock on, dude!

We continued to consume. I, due to the kind generosity of my concert-mates, managed to become pretty much the drunkest I've ever been. In fact, I turned to Pavlov and told him he was about to see me the drunkest I have ever been...once my mission was proclaimed, I had to follow through...people were counting on me to provide hours of amusement and canon fodder for future humiliation...and so it has come to pass...tales of my drunken foolishness have haunted me since our return...but more of that later...

Back to the show...

About mid-way through the concert, Sid and Nancy began to demonstrate signs of grave unhappiness with eachother...it is at this point I dubbed them "Sid and Nancy". What started out as a seemingly minor argument, escalated out of control in no time, resulting in one of the craziest "couples fights" I've ever witnessed...yelling, pushing, crying, going missing, possibly buying pot from some strange dude, more crying, yelling, pushing...

All of this just added to the crazy vibe in the theatre...dudes were falling down the stairs every two minutes...some guy got a surprise super-flying-face-punch, spraying blood all over the place, which didn't really seem to shock anyone except us outsiders...Chris Cornell kept dissing "the Boss"...

"Anyone who couldn't get tickets to this show had to go next door to see Springsteen!"...and the crowd goes wild...

But, alas, the show ended and I was sad. Outside the theatre, we were entertained by more drunk American antics. A more than slightly intoxicated dude was trying to force a more than slightly intoxicated broad into his truck while more than slightly annoyed security guys were trying to prevent him from driving. Meanwhile, in the background, young hoodlums were rooting through vehicles in the parking lot. I was just so damn happy to be where I was in my own head, I kept yelling, "I'm Donna, I'm drunk and I'm in Detroit!!" You can't pay for that kind of entertainment.

As everyone else walked back to the hotel, all the while trying to prevent street people and "hobos" from following them, I opted to accept a ride from Animal.

"Thanks for the ride, Animal." I slurred. "Can I grab your bum first?"

"Sure Donna."

"K...thanks."...with my hand on his butt the entire way to the car...classy...that's me!

As I poured myself out of the PT Cruiser and into the hotel lobby, I became immediately aware that Sid and Nancy were still at it. I was a bit miffed 'cuz they were harshin' my buzz, so I decided to take a seat at the hotel bar and ignore them for a while. I met some very nice people, and the cute girl with the Betty Page hair cut bought me a beer because the bartender would not accept "that Canadian crap" and I was out of American money...O.K., it wasn't really a beer...it was a Pabts (sp?) Blue Ribbon...the gesture was kind, none the less...since she was gracious enough to buy me a drink, I thought it was important to drink the same thing she was...plus I was having trouble thinking by this point.

Buzz harsher no. 2; Audio-Steve came to the bar to get a glass of water for Nancy...and the situation went down hill from there. The bartender told Audio-Steve he really didn't want to drink the tap water and there was a water cooler next to the front desk. Audio-Steve repeated his request for a glass of water, ignoring what the bartender said. The portly man to my right reached across the bar and handed Audio-Steve a plastic cup and told him the water cooler was beside the front desk. No problem, right? In Audio-Steves version of the story, the bartender completely ignored him and the "fat fucking American guy" handed him a dirty cup, causing him to want to punch fat guy in the throat.

I think Audio-Steve was just bitter and angry because he had to unplug our toilet which Moe had completely fucked with his cocktail of puke and shit...then trying to calm Nancy down...someone he didn't really know or like that much. Every time he had her mellow, Sid would come in and be a cock-head, sending her off the deep end all over again. Pavlov spotted Audio-Steve skulking around the elevators with the plunger at one point and assumed he was hunting Sid down..."I'll plunge the fuck out of you, Mo' Fo'!!!"...

Making my way to our room, I passed Sid and nancy in the hall and had to dodge the flying beer cans...and Mummy who was obviously quite agitated by the whole situation as she pushed Nancy out of her room and into the hallway. Nancy was crying and said she was going to sleep in the hall by the elevators. Go for it, just be aware of the giant blood stain...Audio-Steve thought he would lend Mummy a hand by completely tossing the spare bed in her room and piling furniture on top of it so Sid and Nancy would not be able to sleep on it. Mummy eventually stopped him as he attempted to pee on the mountain of furniture. I believe he also got kicked out of the room at this point.

Things mellowed out...possibly due to hunger, so we ordered far too many pizzas from "Steves Island Pizza"...quarter inch crust with three inches of rock solid cheap mozzarella and little bug-like pellets that were supposed to be sausage on top. I think it was their "cardiac arrest" special. With a loud "I know you!", I insisted that the delivery girl was beside me at the concert, which freaked her out a bit, but entertained my friends. She lied when she said she was working all night, I just know it!

Still sporting my straight hair, I NEEDED a photo taken...Rick took one which I immediately forgot about. 30 seconds later, I demanded a photo be taken of me with my straight hair. Not wanting to upset the drunk crazy girl, Rick took another one...which I again forgot about. For a third time, I insisted that a photo be taken of me, and for a third time Rick complied with my request. When the forth request spilled out of my mouth, I was bombarded by solid, down right, absolute "NO"s. Fine! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!

Between this and my constant telling of the "girl with Betty Page hair cut" story, I was getting the impression that everyone had had enough of me. It was time for bed anyway. Off to the room I went...

The details of the following events are a bit cloudy, but I do remember offering to show Larry, Moe and Curly my left titty if they went to the other room to get me a beer...nothing...not a peep from them. I ask again, and still nothing. I went and got my own beer without showing anyone my left titty.

Audio-Steve decided he needed a cigarette and showed up at Rick's door completely bottomless, lettin' it all hang out. Rick gave him one, most likely to get rid of him. Not back in our room 30 seconds, Snow Bunny insisted he put the cigarette out, take his socks off and put some underwear on. Larry, Moe and Curly remained silent. In an attempt to get something, ANYTHING out of the three, Audio-Steve whispered rather loudly through the darkness to Snow Bunny, "Hey, whata ya think of the blonde one? He's cute, eh?!"...nothin'...needless to say, they were the first ones to leave in the morning.

Ahhh, morning...with my dry mouth and pounding headache, I got off easy...poor Rick opened his eyes to find Sid facing him, underwear around his ankles, sly grin on his sleepy little face and his dingles gleaming in the morning sun...I guess he and Nancy made up.

dragging our sorry heads out of the sack, we prepared for the journey home...showers were taken...cigarettes were smoked...rye was consumed directly out of the bottle...back to the Sault we headed.

Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve followed Snow Bunny and I and were very forgiving when we got them lost. We met up in Birch Run for lunch at a great Greek restaurant and had a marvelous time recalling the insanity of the night before.

Snow Bunny and I had lots o' laughs all the way home, including an indepth discussion regarding the proper spelling of Napoleon Dynamite's signature sigh of exasperation...she decided it would be "huughghghhhh", which works quite well. It's all fun and games until someone gets a speeding ticket...and a fine for not having proof of insurance.

"Can you just take this note and call my insurance company?" I don't recommend this tactic...Mr. State Trooper looked unimpressed by this, and didn't seem to notice the $30.00 bribe she had sitting on her lap. I was going to offer to show him my left titty, but he was a nervous little fella and I didn't want to make the situation any worse.

Finally home after having a weeks worth of fun, alcohol and craziness in less than 36 hours, I collapsed on my couch and stayed there until the next morning. I wanna go on that ride again, just not too soon.

Yup...Detroit was on fire...thankfully they put it out long enough to throw a rock concert...