This Ain't No Motley Crue Show, Honey...Part I ( hi...we're not from here...)

* I have yet to upload my photos of the trip...they will be posted as soon as they are...thank you for your patience...

Anyone ever taken a road trip with Trevor Harding? How many near-death experiences did you have? I counted at least six occasions when the Reaper was climbing onto the hood of the Focus as Trevor "Mario Andretti-ed" us to Grand Rapids to catch Social Distortion. I relaxed every time "Fuzzy the Fuzz-Buster" would beep 'cuz he at least slowed for a few moments. "This is going to be close, folks..." he would warn, passing traffic left, right and center...but we made it one piece and I thank him from the bottom of the heart in my throat for driving.

Mid way to Grand Rapids, we made the mistake of stopping at an "Applebee's" for lunch. I joked about everything being "chicken fried and smothered in white gravy" and wouldn't you know it?...the waitress mentioned they had "chicken fried chicken" and the only gravy they had was "white country gravy"...this made us laugh........a lot. Rob, Trev and Beth all ordered the club sandwich. They arrived soaked and fried in grease...chicken fried, I suppose. I had a burger...it was NOT chicken fried was pretty good. The other three did not feel so hot following the consumption of their cholesterol specials...I was fine. When in doubt, always order a burger...it's hard to fuck up a burger.

Arriving in Grand rapids at about 4:00, we spent about half an hour driving around looking for the "Orbit Room". Fuzzy was going off randomly, apparently trying to tell us we were going in the wrong direction. The phrase of the day was "hi...we're not from here" which was uttered on numerous occasions to no one in particular as we pulled Beths patented "maneuver"...basically a U-turn anywhere necessary...the highway, busy intersections, exit ramps...ee gave up searching for the time being and decided to get the room and ask directions...Hotel 6 it was...ten bucks a person...can't go wrong with that.

As luck would have it, the Orbit Room was right across the street from our hotel. Next question; where's the nearest liquor store? Shanikwa at the front desk informed Trev that she didn't drink, so she didn't know. There was a pause of shock and a look of horror before he asked, "Do you have any friends that drink?" Smiling nervously, she ignored the question and finished checking us in.

Rob chilled in the room while Trev, Beth and I went in search of adult beverages. Spotting a sign out of the corner of my eye, "B&B Liquor" was seemingly the only option and our final destination. Fuzzy beeped franticly as we pulled up front, very happy for us....it was very amusing and some what eerie. We all felt like we had made a pilgrimage to Mecca when we walked in...this place put the LCBO to HUGE shame...they had everything under the sun in 20 different varieties. We stood mouths agape in awe at the entrance of the walk-in beer cooler...I have never seen so many beer I'd never heard of before. The woman who owned the store was very helpful, knowledgeable and proud of the fact we loved it so much..I think we made her day. With two six packs in hand each, we headed back to the hotel. Rob bitched that we didn't buy any "beer flavoured beer" but was happy to drink what we gave him.

Following the ravenous inhalation of a couple o' cold ones, we headed over to the Orbit Room, where I was crushed when security informed me I was unable to bring in the digital camera I had borrowed from Suzie....CRUSHED I tell you! For some reason, a disposable camera would have been fine...I don't get it. Frustrated, sad and angry with myself for not listening to Rob when he told me bring a disposable, I walked back to the hotel to put my only opportunity to have my own picture of Mike Ness away...I was beyond crushed...

Returning after chasing my cowboy hat down the highway, the scary security lesbian didn't even frisk me as I entered the venue...guess I wasn't her type...FUCK!! I could have stashed the camera in my pants had I known that. Inside, I took Rob by the shoulders, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Honey, for the first time I am saying this..." I took a deep breath, "You were right and I was wrong." Elated, he went running over to Trev and Beth to tell them what I had said.

Now guys, size does matter and in this case, smaller was better...the Orbit Room is about half the size of the Princess...fanfuckingtastic to see a rock and roll show...and to take pictures with a disposable camera...absolutely and utterly crushed...FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!! Why, oh why did I not listen to my ever so brilliant husband?

But I would not let this spoil my evening. I was about to see the talented, the nasty, the oh so sexy Mike Ness in the flesh...up close and personal...the excitement was almost overwhelming...

I needed a drink...there was a lot more crushing about to happen than I bargained for...

Social Distortion This Weekend!!!

That's right, folks...myself along with a few lucky friends are taking a small road trip this weekend to Grand Rapids to see the one, the only...SOCIAL DISTORTION!! I am very pumped about this show and hope that Rob is not too upset when Mike Ness asks me to marry him...I love him and his machismo...

To learn more about Social D., check out their website and prepare to become an immediate fan...and become very jealous that you're not going...nar-nar...

Creepy Jakalope Eyes...

Sorry, I will not be writing about the Supersuckers, as worthy as they may be. I am spreading the word about the latest band...no...SUPERBAND to hit the scene...JAKALOPE. Rob Slack came home with this C.D. two days ago after hearing one song on CBC and now I'm hooked.

Jakalope is the brainchild of legendary producer Dave "Rave" Ogilvie, who has worked with many of the best, including Skinny Puppy, Nine Inch Nails, David Bowie and Marilyn Manson. They are confidently fronted by the 22 year old Katie B., who was managing Brian Adams' Warehouse Studio in Vancouver upon her discovery. She delivers a powerful, sweet and somewhat haunting vocal performance on the bands debut "In Dreams" album.

So why is this a "superband"? Along with Ogilvie, Anthony "Fu" Valcic (Skinny Puppy, Orgy, Staind) and Trent Reznor also performed on, co-wrote and produced the album. No...it doesn't stop there! There are also guest performances by Monster Magnet, Sloan, Kat Bjelland (from Babes in Toyland) and Lindy who, FYI, will be appearing here in the Sault on Saturday June 4, 2005 at the Downbeat Lounge.

This techno-industrial-goth album is worth more than just a listen. Visit the VERY cool Jakalope website to find out more and listen to some killer tracks by clicking here .

Missing in Action

I have been missing in action for the past week or so, and for this I apologize...last weekend did me in...

Friday May 13, 2005, the lovely Patti Goodwin and I got together to watch movies...one of my favourites, in fact...the Canadian-made "Blood and Donuts" which I reviewed in an earlier post on this very blog. It had been many years since I had seen this gem, and it lost none of it's charm with age...funny as ever. Apparently it is for rent at the Video Network...go get it and laugh...you'll thank me for it.

...oh yeah...we also got drunk...

Saturday night was the first annual "Soo Central Celebraties and the Northshore Superior All-Stars all-nite charity Good Times Dance-A-Thon"...say that five times fast! It's just a fancy title for another of Robbie Adamson's fantabulous parties. This one stood out due to the retro 50's style and theme...numbers pinned to the back of your shirt, chicks in poodle skirts, Robbie in his referee shirt with a bull-horn on roller skates, live band musical chairs...lots of fun and games and trophies. I was awarded the "Life Time Achievement Award". When I told Craig West this, his comment was "Don't they usually award such things at the end of your life when there's nothing left to achieve?" Thanks Craig...thanks a lot...just remember who's older, buddy...

...oh yes...and I went to bed at 7:00am...drunk...

Sunday May 15, 2005 was, of course, the much anticipated BigSuit C.D. party at Galaxy Cinemas. Those boys played their little hearts out to an audience of about 220 people. They sounded great and fun was had by all. The after party at LopLops was packed and many musicians played many songs in many different combinations to many rounds of applause...more fun was had by all.

...and I drank again...

And now I'm sick...the sickest I have been in years, actually...flu, chest, fever thing...had to break out the bronchodilator, which I haven't needed in almost two years. It's my body telling me, "You're not 20 years old any more, ya old crow! You can't party like you used to." Getting old bites...

What the...?

I'm cold and there's wolves after me...and my nipples could cut glass right now...and it's MAY...this sucks...that's all...

Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey Meet the Crack Hobo, Part III

Audioslave was FANFUCKINGTASTIC!! Chris Cornell was perfect. The tiny glimpses I saw around Mr. Fathead in front of me, were chock-full-'o spunk. Audio-Steve even made it down to the floor with the aid of Blondie's ticket...he lasted only four songs, big baby! Very amusing was the determined crowd surfer who finally made it close enough to the stage to have Mr. Cornell give him a "high-five", immediately after which he dropped completely out of sight and more than likely got trampled to death...hey, he died happy if that was the case...rock on, dude!

We continued to consume. I, due to the kind generosity of my concert-mates, managed to become pretty much the drunkest I've ever been. In fact, I turned to Pavlov and told him he was about to see me the drunkest I have ever been...once my mission was proclaimed, I had to follow through...people were counting on me to provide hours of amusement and canon fodder for future humiliation...and so it has come to pass...tales of my drunken foolishness have haunted me since our return...but more of that later...

Back to the show...

About mid-way through the concert, Sid and Nancy began to demonstrate signs of grave unhappiness with eachother...it is at this point I dubbed them "Sid and Nancy". What started out as a seemingly minor argument, escalated out of control in no time, resulting in one of the craziest "couples fights" I've ever witnessed...yelling, pushing, crying, going missing, possibly buying pot from some strange dude, more crying, yelling, pushing...

All of this just added to the crazy vibe in the theatre...dudes were falling down the stairs every two minutes...some guy got a surprise super-flying-face-punch, spraying blood all over the place, which didn't really seem to shock anyone except us outsiders...Chris Cornell kept dissing "the Boss"...

"Anyone who couldn't get tickets to this show had to go next door to see Springsteen!"...and the crowd goes wild...

But, alas, the show ended and I was sad. Outside the theatre, we were entertained by more drunk American antics. A more than slightly intoxicated dude was trying to force a more than slightly intoxicated broad into his truck while more than slightly annoyed security guys were trying to prevent him from driving. Meanwhile, in the background, young hoodlums were rooting through vehicles in the parking lot. I was just so damn happy to be where I was in my own head, I kept yelling, "I'm Donna, I'm drunk and I'm in Detroit!!" You can't pay for that kind of entertainment.

As everyone else walked back to the hotel, all the while trying to prevent street people and "hobos" from following them, I opted to accept a ride from Animal.

"Thanks for the ride, Animal." I slurred. "Can I grab your bum first?"

"Sure Donna."

"K...thanks."...with my hand on his butt the entire way to the car...classy...that's me!

As I poured myself out of the PT Cruiser and into the hotel lobby, I became immediately aware that Sid and Nancy were still at it. I was a bit miffed 'cuz they were harshin' my buzz, so I decided to take a seat at the hotel bar and ignore them for a while. I met some very nice people, and the cute girl with the Betty Page hair cut bought me a beer because the bartender would not accept "that Canadian crap" and I was out of American money...O.K., it wasn't really a beer...it was a Pabts (sp?) Blue Ribbon...the gesture was kind, none the less...since she was gracious enough to buy me a drink, I thought it was important to drink the same thing she was...plus I was having trouble thinking by this point.

Buzz harsher no. 2; Audio-Steve came to the bar to get a glass of water for Nancy...and the situation went down hill from there. The bartender told Audio-Steve he really didn't want to drink the tap water and there was a water cooler next to the front desk. Audio-Steve repeated his request for a glass of water, ignoring what the bartender said. The portly man to my right reached across the bar and handed Audio-Steve a plastic cup and told him the water cooler was beside the front desk. No problem, right? In Audio-Steves version of the story, the bartender completely ignored him and the "fat fucking American guy" handed him a dirty cup, causing him to want to punch fat guy in the throat.

I think Audio-Steve was just bitter and angry because he had to unplug our toilet which Moe had completely fucked with his cocktail of puke and shit...then trying to calm Nancy down...someone he didn't really know or like that much. Every time he had her mellow, Sid would come in and be a cock-head, sending her off the deep end all over again. Pavlov spotted Audio-Steve skulking around the elevators with the plunger at one point and assumed he was hunting Sid down..."I'll plunge the fuck out of you, Mo' Fo'!!!"...

Making my way to our room, I passed Sid and nancy in the hall and had to dodge the flying beer cans...and Mummy who was obviously quite agitated by the whole situation as she pushed Nancy out of her room and into the hallway. Nancy was crying and said she was going to sleep in the hall by the elevators. Go for it, just be aware of the giant blood stain...Audio-Steve thought he would lend Mummy a hand by completely tossing the spare bed in her room and piling furniture on top of it so Sid and Nancy would not be able to sleep on it. Mummy eventually stopped him as he attempted to pee on the mountain of furniture. I believe he also got kicked out of the room at this point.

Things mellowed out...possibly due to hunger, so we ordered far too many pizzas from "Steves Island Pizza"...quarter inch crust with three inches of rock solid cheap mozzarella and little bug-like pellets that were supposed to be sausage on top. I think it was their "cardiac arrest" special. With a loud "I know you!", I insisted that the delivery girl was beside me at the concert, which freaked her out a bit, but entertained my friends. She lied when she said she was working all night, I just know it!

Still sporting my straight hair, I NEEDED a photo taken...Rick took one which I immediately forgot about. 30 seconds later, I demanded a photo be taken of me with my straight hair. Not wanting to upset the drunk crazy girl, Rick took another one...which I again forgot about. For a third time, I insisted that a photo be taken of me, and for a third time Rick complied with my request. When the forth request spilled out of my mouth, I was bombarded by solid, down right, absolute "NO"s. Fine! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!

Between this and my constant telling of the "girl with Betty Page hair cut" story, I was getting the impression that everyone had had enough of me. It was time for bed anyway. Off to the room I went...

The details of the following events are a bit cloudy, but I do remember offering to show Larry, Moe and Curly my left titty if they went to the other room to get me a beer...nothing...not a peep from them. I ask again, and still nothing. I went and got my own beer without showing anyone my left titty.

Audio-Steve decided he needed a cigarette and showed up at Rick's door completely bottomless, lettin' it all hang out. Rick gave him one, most likely to get rid of him. Not back in our room 30 seconds, Snow Bunny insisted he put the cigarette out, take his socks off and put some underwear on. Larry, Moe and Curly remained silent. In an attempt to get something, ANYTHING out of the three, Audio-Steve whispered rather loudly through the darkness to Snow Bunny, "Hey, whata ya think of the blonde one? He's cute, eh?!"...nothin'...needless to say, they were the first ones to leave in the morning.

Ahhh, morning...with my dry mouth and pounding headache, I got off easy...poor Rick opened his eyes to find Sid facing him, underwear around his ankles, sly grin on his sleepy little face and his dingles gleaming in the morning sun...I guess he and Nancy made up.

dragging our sorry heads out of the sack, we prepared for the journey home...showers were taken...cigarettes were smoked...rye was consumed directly out of the bottle...back to the Sault we headed.

Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve followed Snow Bunny and I and were very forgiving when we got them lost. We met up in Birch Run for lunch at a great Greek restaurant and had a marvelous time recalling the insanity of the night before.

Snow Bunny and I had lots o' laughs all the way home, including an indepth discussion regarding the proper spelling of Napoleon Dynamite's signature sigh of exasperation...she decided it would be "huughghghhhh", which works quite well. It's all fun and games until someone gets a speeding ticket...and a fine for not having proof of insurance.

"Can you just take this note and call my insurance company?" I don't recommend this tactic...Mr. State Trooper looked unimpressed by this, and didn't seem to notice the $30.00 bribe she had sitting on her lap. I was going to offer to show him my left titty, but he was a nervous little fella and I didn't want to make the situation any worse.

Finally home after having a weeks worth of fun, alcohol and craziness in less than 36 hours, I collapsed on my couch and stayed there until the next morning. I wanna go on that ride again, just not too soon.

Yup...Detroit was on fire...thankfully they put it out long enough to throw a rock concert...

Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey meet the Crack Hobo, Part II

About two hours after the rest of us had checked in to the hotel, Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve finally showed up. To celebrate, we had more beer...

Why does the intake of frosty adult beverages always lead to spontaneous decisions regarding hair styles? Well, Mummy was tickled when I asked her to straighten my hair for our evening of debauchery and loud rock and/or roll. She and Nancy quickly went to work and had the job finished in about 5 minutes. Surrounded by "wow"s and "you look hot"s, my ego was sufficiently boosted and I was ready to go rock out with my cock out. Funny how a couple of our crew members would take this term literally...but that comes later...

After Mummy's wish to cab it to the concert was vetoed, we were off to the State Theatre half in the bag with road rockets in hand. The five minute walk was wrought with screams of "AUDIOSLAAAAVE" and trying to avoid eye contact with those asking for change or smokes. One guy tried selling us little tiny American flags on toothpicks. Audio-Steve was very proud of the fact that he found one on the ground and let the guy know about it; "FREE! See that, buddy!? I got one for FREE!" waving it in his face. I thought we were dead and pretended not to know Audio-Steve.

Pavlov said he wanted to buy some crack just to say that he did it, and he was going to "buy it from that hobo over there!" Hobos have bindles and ride trains...not sure if they sell crack on the streets of Detroit...what would Boxcar Willie say?...but "crackhobo" made us laugh, so it stuck.

Arriving at the theatre, I was relieved to find Animal waiting for us. He works in Detroit and lives in Windsor, so he was not part of our road trip. The line up around the theatre was impressive and was aptly kept under control by a very aggressive, yet funny, security dude; "Everyone going to Audioslave, this way!...you, STOP!...Walk briskly this way!" I asked if he could demonstrate for me just how to walk briskly, to which he laughed. I was determined that I was going to invite him back to our hotel to party with us "cracka's" after the show. My friends looked worried...I never did, dammit!

The show was close now...I was very excited. The theatre was very old and beautiful and was probably quite the sight in its hay day. We were in the balcony section at the back, but it was a fairly small place (I guess about 4000 capacity) so we could see pretty good...or so I thought. It turns out someone with a very large "heeed" was right in front of me...oh well...

Three guesses as to what the first thing we did when we got inside was, and the first two don't count...that's right...we headed for the bar(s). Five dollars (U.S.) for a plastic cup of Bud or Bud Light...too rich for my blood, especially for crap. Mummy bought one for me...at five bucks it's crap, but free crap is AWESOME! I drank it quickly and happily and broke down and bought more...I needed it...I really did...

The lights dimmed as the opening act took the stage. I have no idea who the opener was...meh...they weren't that good. There was some drunken discussion as to the name of the opening act and no one could get it quite right so we dubbed them "Johnny Petoskey"..."Johnny Knoxville" and "Johnny Polansky"were also options, but "Johnny Petoskey" just had a nicer ring to it...

Audioslave finally took the stage and we all went "coo-coo-bananas"...some of us more than others...