Side Show Lipstick Lady

I have been in the service industry going on 15 years now...you can say that I've entered my "bitter years". It happens to every server sooner or later. A point is reached where it doesn't matter how much in tips one makes, it is not worth the hastle, bullshit and abuse. I'm not quite at that point yet...I still enjoy my job...most of the time. But there are those nights when it seems every lunatic on the planet seeks my place of employment to engage in various break downs, threatening behaviors and general "have-yous-got-a-smoke-I-haven't-showered-in-four-months-and-I-drink-Listerine-for-shits-and-giggles" type craziness...it's a side-show without the Dog Faced Boy...

There are times, however, when these can be times of optimum amusement...the perfect example being the "lipstick Lady", as I like to call her. It was a fairly quiet Sunday night and I had some of my favourite regulars at the bar, including Dan Nystedt. We were sharing music, stories and laughs when a woman in her mid-50's wandered in and took a seat at the bar.

At first glance she seemed a bit odd...extreme make up, layers of mismatched clothing and a very large purse that she could have smuggled a Mexican family of 9 in...I chalked all of this up to poor taste and asked her what she wanted to drink. The most annoying question in the world came out of her mouth; "What kind of beer do you have?"
All of our beers are listed on a chalkboard above the beer fridge, about 6 feet in front of her. With my "inside voice" scratching and clawing to get out, I patiently listed all of our beer...all forty of them. She of course, ordered a Coors Light. Typical.

I went about my business, pouring drinks and chatting with my friends, when I noticed a high level of activity from the Lipstick Lady...she was taking everything out of her ginormous purse and organizing it all on the bar. This intrigued me, so I pulled up a stool and watched. I'm not sure if anyone else at the bar noticed anything odd at this point...it wasn't until she started talking to her tube of lipstick that I discretely got everyone's attention. Now we were all watching her.

Dan was VERY amused by the whole situation and tried his best to out-crazy her...yelling at the top of his naturally booming voice things like "KILL WHITEY!" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!"...no reaction from Lipstick Lady. I finally decided it was not in the bar's best interest to continue serving her and told her I would have to take her beer away.

As I was refunding her $4.00, she asked me, "Have you ever gone on mining expeditions in the Artic?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I cautiously said, "No." She then asked me, "Have you ever hiked across the ice caps for Bombardier." Another cautious "No" from me. "Well I have!", she yelled at me. She then told me that this was the worst run business she had ever seen and it was doomed to fail. Shocked, amused and a little frightened all at the same time, I gladly complied with her request for a cab.

When I emerged from the kitchen after calling the cab company, Lipstick Lady was gone. Dan laughed profusely as he told me I should cancel the cab as Lipstick Lady decided she was going to walk to Bakersfield. We're in Sault Ste. Marie...I don't know of any Bakersfield around here...but where ever she ended up, she had her lipstick to keep her company.