Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey meet the Crack Hobo, Part I

*The names in the following tale have been changed to protect the "not so innocent".

A plan was hatched...a road trip was anticipated...an Audioslave concert had to be witnessed...the fattest city in North America was the destination...the usual suspects were assembled;
Rick and Mummy
Sid and Nancy
Audio-Steve
Pavlov and Blondie
Snow Bunny
Larry, Moe and Curly
Animal
Myself

All was going according to the grand scheme. Everyone met on time at the Duty-Free store on our side of the border at 8:45 in the a.m. I was riding in the sweet blue beetle with Snow Bunny...a surprisingly spacious ride as long as you're not in the non-existent back seat. Mummy was in charge and handed out the "Map Quest" info and concert tickets...money was exchanged and beer was purchased...we were all on our way into the belly of the beast by 9:30.

Snow Bunny and I gabbed and laughed and made fun of people and things all the way down to Detroit...very easy to do in Michigan...the road side billboards alone...wow..."GUNS GALORE!!"..."Cheese Outlet" (mmmmm, last year's cheese)...we actually stopped and got gas at a "Jerky Outlet"...huh?!

Then there's "Mr. Insane". I call him this because the license plate on his very conservative blue Chevy Impala said "Insane"..."Look at me!...I'm CRAZY in my family sedan!"...I dare not leave out the woman in bum-fuck nowhere Michigan who refused to roll down her window so we could ask her where the McDonald's was...c'mon lady, we're CANADIAN for cryin' in the sink!...it's not like we were tapping on her window with a gun. I guess all the "GUNS GALORE!!" billboards had her a little freaked out.

Yup, the trip down was fun...until we got lost in the sketchiest of sketchy 'hoods in Detroit (stupid "Map Quest"!)....crack house, crack house, crack house, "Granny's Place Day Care", crack house....a very odd sight to behold. FYI, if you ever have to exit off of the I-75 at exit 50, you won't 'cuz the fucker is not marked! I guess what you're supposed to do is follow the exit to Toledo...obvious, right?

All of us got lost. Larry, Moe and Curly made it to the hotel first. They were not originally supposed to come on this little adventure, but one of our crew was unable to attend...Larry was his brother, who we knew slightly...the other two were complete strangers. Moe was a cocky SOB...quite full of himself...for no good reason. Curly seemed like he really wanted to join the rest of us in our quest for a state of complete and utter intoxication, but he was much too shy. Needless to say, we did not see a whole lot of them.

Next to arrive were Rick, Mummy, Sid and Nancy, soon followed by Snow Bunny and myself. No sign of Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve yet. Mummy is worried, hence her nickname...

Into the hotel we go...the lobby was promising...marble floors...oak railings and trim...beautiful architectural details everywhere...huge chandeliers...the stench of bum...that's right, bum...and I don't mean bum, as in street person, although there was a bit of that smell in there too. Still, the lobby was SOOO grand, my hopes remained up that our rooms would be just as fantabulous...until we got in the elevator. Not only did it ALSO smell of bum, but urine and maybe a touch of vomit too. My heart sank.

Into the room we went...no bum or vomit odors there, just urine. The room was a decent size with a little kitchenette, two double beds and a sitting area. The view was pretty good from our 16th floor perch...we could see right into all the abandoned buildings surrounding us, as well as the hotel parking lot...every vehicle in which had the "club" on the steering wheel. Not the best area of town, to say the least.

I was shocked (but not really) when I looked around the room and noticed the multitude of mysterious "protein" stains that covered virtually everything in sight. And I'm pretty sure the HUGE stain in the hallway was blood...we all decided it was very important to start consuming mass quantities of alcohol right away...we made it so...