*The names in the following tale have been changed to protect the "not so innocent".
A plan was hatched...a road trip was anticipated...an Audioslave concert had to be witnessed...the fattest city in North America was the destination...the usual suspects were assembled;
Rick and Mummy
Sid and Nancy
Audio-Steve
Pavlov and Blondie
Snow Bunny
Larry, Moe and Curly
Animal
Myself
All was going according to the grand scheme. Everyone met on time at the Duty-Free store on our side of the border at 8:45 in the a.m. I was riding in the sweet blue beetle with Snow Bunny...a surprisingly spacious ride as long as you're not in the non-existent back seat. Mummy was in charge and handed out the "Map Quest" info and concert tickets...money was exchanged and beer was purchased...we were all on our way into the belly of the beast by 9:30.
Snow Bunny and I gabbed and laughed and made fun of people and things all the way down to Detroit...very easy to do in Michigan...the road side billboards alone...wow..."GUNS GALORE!!"..."Cheese Outlet" (mmmmm, last year's cheese)...we actually stopped and got gas at a "Jerky Outlet"...huh?!
Then there's "Mr. Insane". I call him this because the license plate on his very conservative blue Chevy Impala said "Insane"..."Look at me!...I'm CRAZY in my family sedan!"...I dare not leave out the woman in bum-fuck nowhere Michigan who refused to roll down her window so we could ask her where the McDonald's was...c'mon lady, we're CANADIAN for cryin' in the sink!...it's not like we were tapping on her window with a gun. I guess all the "GUNS GALORE!!" billboards had her a little freaked out.
Yup, the trip down was fun...until we got lost in the sketchiest of sketchy 'hoods in Detroit (stupid "Map Quest"!)....crack house, crack house, crack house, "Granny's Place Day Care", crack house....a very odd sight to behold. FYI, if you ever have to exit off of the I-75 at exit 50, you won't 'cuz the fucker is not marked! I guess what you're supposed to do is follow the exit to Toledo...obvious, right?
All of us got lost. Larry, Moe and Curly made it to the hotel first. They were not originally supposed to come on this little adventure, but one of our crew was unable to attend...Larry was his brother, who we knew slightly...the other two were complete strangers. Moe was a cocky SOB...quite full of himself...for no good reason. Curly seemed like he really wanted to join the rest of us in our quest for a state of complete and utter intoxication, but he was much too shy. Needless to say, we did not see a whole lot of them.
Next to arrive were Rick, Mummy, Sid and Nancy, soon followed by Snow Bunny and myself. No sign of Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve yet. Mummy is worried, hence her nickname...
Into the hotel we go...the lobby was promising...marble floors...oak railings and trim...beautiful architectural details everywhere...huge chandeliers...the stench of bum...that's right, bum...and I don't mean bum, as in street person, although there was a bit of that smell in there too. Still, the lobby was SOOO grand, my hopes remained up that our rooms would be just as fantabulous...until we got in the elevator. Not only did it ALSO smell of bum, but urine and maybe a touch of vomit too. My heart sank.
Into the room we went...no bum or vomit odors there, just urine. The room was a decent size with a little kitchenette, two double beds and a sitting area. The view was pretty good from our 16th floor perch...we could see right into all the abandoned buildings surrounding us, as well as the hotel parking lot...every vehicle in which had the "club" on the steering wheel. Not the best area of town, to say the least.
I was shocked (but not really) when I looked around the room and noticed the multitude of mysterious "protein" stains that covered virtually everything in sight. And I'm pretty sure the HUGE stain in the hallway was blood...we all decided it was very important to start consuming mass quantities of alcohol right away...we made it so...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Side Show Lipstick Lady
I have been in the service industry going on 15 years now...you can say that I've entered my "bitter years". It happens to every server sooner or later. A point is reached where it doesn't matter how much in tips one makes, it is not worth the hastle, bullshit and abuse. I'm not quite at that point yet...I still enjoy my job...most of the time. But there are those nights when it seems every lunatic on the planet seeks my place of employment to engage in various break downs, threatening behaviors and general "have-yous-got-a-smoke-I-haven't-showered-in-four-months-and-I-drink-Listerine-for-shits-and-giggles" type craziness...it's a side-show without the Dog Faced Boy...
There are times, however, when these can be times of optimum amusement...the perfect example being the "lipstick Lady", as I like to call her. It was a fairly quiet Sunday night and I had some of my favourite regulars at the bar, including Dan Nystedt. We were sharing music, stories and laughs when a woman in her mid-50's wandered in and took a seat at the bar.
At first glance she seemed a bit odd...extreme make up, layers of mismatched clothing and a very large purse that she could have smuggled a Mexican family of 9 in...I chalked all of this up to poor taste and asked her what she wanted to drink. The most annoying question in the world came out of her mouth; "What kind of beer do you have?"
All of our beers are listed on a chalkboard above the beer fridge, about 6 feet in front of her. With my "inside voice" scratching and clawing to get out, I patiently listed all of our beer...all forty of them. She of course, ordered a Coors Light. Typical.
I went about my business, pouring drinks and chatting with my friends, when I noticed a high level of activity from the Lipstick Lady...she was taking everything out of her ginormous purse and organizing it all on the bar. This intrigued me, so I pulled up a stool and watched. I'm not sure if anyone else at the bar noticed anything odd at this point...it wasn't until she started talking to her tube of lipstick that I discretely got everyone's attention. Now we were all watching her.
Dan was VERY amused by the whole situation and tried his best to out-crazy her...yelling at the top of his naturally booming voice things like "KILL WHITEY!" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!"...no reaction from Lipstick Lady. I finally decided it was not in the bar's best interest to continue serving her and told her I would have to take her beer away.
As I was refunding her $4.00, she asked me, "Have you ever gone on mining expeditions in the Artic?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I cautiously said, "No." She then asked me, "Have you ever hiked across the ice caps for Bombardier." Another cautious "No" from me. "Well I have!", she yelled at me. She then told me that this was the worst run business she had ever seen and it was doomed to fail. Shocked, amused and a little frightened all at the same time, I gladly complied with her request for a cab.
When I emerged from the kitchen after calling the cab company, Lipstick Lady was gone. Dan laughed profusely as he told me I should cancel the cab as Lipstick Lady decided she was going to walk to Bakersfield. We're in Sault Ste. Marie...I don't know of any Bakersfield around here...but where ever she ended up, she had her lipstick to keep her company.
There are times, however, when these can be times of optimum amusement...the perfect example being the "lipstick Lady", as I like to call her. It was a fairly quiet Sunday night and I had some of my favourite regulars at the bar, including Dan Nystedt. We were sharing music, stories and laughs when a woman in her mid-50's wandered in and took a seat at the bar.
At first glance she seemed a bit odd...extreme make up, layers of mismatched clothing and a very large purse that she could have smuggled a Mexican family of 9 in...I chalked all of this up to poor taste and asked her what she wanted to drink. The most annoying question in the world came out of her mouth; "What kind of beer do you have?"
All of our beers are listed on a chalkboard above the beer fridge, about 6 feet in front of her. With my "inside voice" scratching and clawing to get out, I patiently listed all of our beer...all forty of them. She of course, ordered a Coors Light. Typical.
I went about my business, pouring drinks and chatting with my friends, when I noticed a high level of activity from the Lipstick Lady...she was taking everything out of her ginormous purse and organizing it all on the bar. This intrigued me, so I pulled up a stool and watched. I'm not sure if anyone else at the bar noticed anything odd at this point...it wasn't until she started talking to her tube of lipstick that I discretely got everyone's attention. Now we were all watching her.
Dan was VERY amused by the whole situation and tried his best to out-crazy her...yelling at the top of his naturally booming voice things like "KILL WHITEY!" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!"...no reaction from Lipstick Lady. I finally decided it was not in the bar's best interest to continue serving her and told her I would have to take her beer away.
As I was refunding her $4.00, she asked me, "Have you ever gone on mining expeditions in the Artic?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I cautiously said, "No." She then asked me, "Have you ever hiked across the ice caps for Bombardier." Another cautious "No" from me. "Well I have!", she yelled at me. She then told me that this was the worst run business she had ever seen and it was doomed to fail. Shocked, amused and a little frightened all at the same time, I gladly complied with her request for a cab.
When I emerged from the kitchen after calling the cab company, Lipstick Lady was gone. Dan laughed profusely as he told me I should cancel the cab as Lipstick Lady decided she was going to walk to Bakersfield. We're in Sault Ste. Marie...I don't know of any Bakersfield around here...but where ever she ended up, she had her lipstick to keep her company.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
"...it's like watching fish walk..."
Last night was yet another mighty fine musicians night at Lop Lops. Due to overlapping events at the bar, there were quite a few people in attendance, and everyone seemed to have a fantastic time.
Mark Kuntsi started things off and played one of my favourites; "Eat My Brain" by the Odds(...thank you Mark!...), boldly breaking tradition by not playing an original song. This lead to an almost complete evening of cover songs. This puzzled me at first until I realized that, from a musicians stand point, it is easier to get on stage and jam something you may have heard before rather than risk butchering an original tune you've NEVER heard before...at least that's my take on it...I could be talking out my ass right now, and I'm sure my friends will let me know.
The jam was a lot of fun and somewhat surprising...Craig played bass...Lord Pugh played drums (which provoked Cliff to mutter to me, "That bastard has way too much talent!")...James sang, Frank sang, Lindsay sang, Mark sang, Craig sang...guitars were flying everywhere...it was pandemonium! It brings a tear to my eye when I see all my kids making nice and sharing their toys...by the way, Lindsay, you're lucky you got your guitar back. I think James Case was ready to make a run for it!
I chuckled to myself during the long blues jam as I watched Craig West criticize himself in his own head, smirking to himself and shaking his head...and even putting the guitar down and walking off stage at one point. Outside later, I asked him about this to which he responded, "... me playing blues guitar is like watching fish walk"...unnatural as it may be, Mr. West, it's all part of evolution and necessary for the propagation of the species...you've already dipped into electronic music...I look forward to your next step....maybe you could develop the ability to absorb nutrients through osmosis...that would be SO cool...even cooler than the "whalphin"...
Mark Kuntsi started things off and played one of my favourites; "Eat My Brain" by the Odds(...thank you Mark!...), boldly breaking tradition by not playing an original song. This lead to an almost complete evening of cover songs. This puzzled me at first until I realized that, from a musicians stand point, it is easier to get on stage and jam something you may have heard before rather than risk butchering an original tune you've NEVER heard before...at least that's my take on it...I could be talking out my ass right now, and I'm sure my friends will let me know.
The jam was a lot of fun and somewhat surprising...Craig played bass...Lord Pugh played drums (which provoked Cliff to mutter to me, "That bastard has way too much talent!")...James sang, Frank sang, Lindsay sang, Mark sang, Craig sang...guitars were flying everywhere...it was pandemonium! It brings a tear to my eye when I see all my kids making nice and sharing their toys...by the way, Lindsay, you're lucky you got your guitar back. I think James Case was ready to make a run for it!
I chuckled to myself during the long blues jam as I watched Craig West criticize himself in his own head, smirking to himself and shaking his head...and even putting the guitar down and walking off stage at one point. Outside later, I asked him about this to which he responded, "... me playing blues guitar is like watching fish walk"...unnatural as it may be, Mr. West, it's all part of evolution and necessary for the propagation of the species...you've already dipped into electronic music...I look forward to your next step....maybe you could develop the ability to absorb nutrients through osmosis...that would be SO cool...even cooler than the "whalphin"...
Thursday, April 14, 2005
"Sunday's my birthday and I don't want to go to a mental hospital!"
It is lines like this that make B-Grade movies so much damn fun, and last night's viewing of "Slumber Party Massacre II" was a BLAST! Starring Crystal Bernard (you may remember her from "Wings"), this gem has all the classic B-Grade elements; shallow teenage girls (who happen to be in a band together), stupid jock boys with nothing but sex on their brains, severed limbs, exploding pustuals, REALLY bad music, some naked boobies (unfortunately, not only on the ugly girl, but on the REALLY ugly girl), a blow-up doll, a chick in a mental hospital warning her sister about "going all the way" (delivered in dream form, of course), skin-tight pink spandex and BIG hair and a hugely noticeable lack of parental supervision...and I haven't even gotten to the villain, yet!
Picture it...small town, USA...1987...in walks an Andrew Dice Clay wanna-be dressed in black leather fringe, playing a sadistic looking red "guitar" with a giant drill for a neck (his more than phallic murder weapon). This Rockabilly Driller Killer is followed throughout the movie by a mysterious fog machine, red spot lights and horrible 50's rock knock-offs. What really makes this bad guy special is his seemingly uncontrollable need to break into an off-off-Broadway-production-of-"Grease"-style song and dance routine, taking time out of his busy schedule to entertain his future victims before drilling them to death...priceless!
Patti described the movie as a really bad "Kids in the Hall" skit. Rob Slack had this to say about the "film";
The hypothesis of the film is that '80's is on the higher moral ground than '50's Rockabilly. The girls represent the conservative values of the Regan era. The killer, in his '50's garb, with his phallic guitar-drill, is a symbol of the anti-authoritarian stance of the Rockabilly generation. When the girls hear a '50's style song on the radio, off come the clothes and bring on the booze. This is clearly a statement concerning the undermining influence Rockabilly music has upon good-American family values.
...I guess in Rob's case, the movie was bit more thought provoking...
The second movie of the evening was "Blue Monkey"...there was no monkey...there wasn't anything that even remotely resembled a monkey...there weren't many blue things, either. What there WAS, was Steve Railsback (who starred as Charles Manson in "Helter Skelter") fighting a ginormous bug, who, while in the larvae stage, was shat out of the mouth of an elderly landscaper following a thorn prick from a mysterious volcanic plant, causing a highly contagious infection that could only be stopped through the consumption of alcohol...huh?!...
...all in all, not NEARLY as entertaining as "Slumber Party Massacre II"...I hope there's a third!...
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The Agriculture Club this week end!
That's right Cow Boys and Cow Girls!...the one, the only, the Agriculture Club will be performing this Friday night at the Downbeat Lounge. Take it from someone who has seen them live, if you are even a little bit of a fan of alt-country or cow-punk, this band is a must see.
Band members Waylon Nelson, The Rubber Duck, Gordon Leadfoot and Luther Chickengravy "rock out with their cocks out" with a cattle prod in one hand and their "instruments" in the other. Tugging at your heart strings are tunes about shooting your dog behind the barn, stealing for a loved one and drinking Pilsner beer. Check out their website here. I'll see y'all there!
"Y'all question authority now, ya hear!"
Band members Waylon Nelson, The Rubber Duck, Gordon Leadfoot and Luther Chickengravy "rock out with their cocks out" with a cattle prod in one hand and their "instruments" in the other. Tugging at your heart strings are tunes about shooting your dog behind the barn, stealing for a loved one and drinking Pilsner beer. Check out their website here. I'll see y'all there!
"Y'all question authority now, ya hear!"
Saturday, April 09, 2005
...she wore one sexy, strapless dress...
Thursday, April 7/05 was the opening of our cute little Katina Schell's art exhibit, "She Wears Four Dresses", at Lop Lops lounge and gallery. The evening was fine in every aspect...and I don't mean "fine" in a George Carlin, sarcastic "How are you today?...Fine...", or fine hair kind of fine. I mean a "Damn, baby, you look FINE!" kind of fine. And our artist did, indeed look FINE in her sexy little strapless number.
First and foremost, Katina's fine art boldly took centre stage and, at least for me, punctuated the fact that spring is finally upon us. Her beautiful bold colours and flowing forms are the perfect companion for our new weather and my brighter mood...thank you Katina! Pictured here is my favourite Katina piece that I WILL own someday...oh yes...I WILL...
Also featured were plenty of fine musicians (thank you Chris B., Craig, Chris W., Mark and anyone else who played before I got there), some fine spoken word (thank you Alanna and the other guy I don't know), lots of yummy fine food (thank you Beth) and copious amounts of fine conversation (thank you everyone!)...all in all, it was one damn FINE evening!
First and foremost, Katina's fine art boldly took centre stage and, at least for me, punctuated the fact that spring is finally upon us. Her beautiful bold colours and flowing forms are the perfect companion for our new weather and my brighter mood...thank you Katina! Pictured here is my favourite Katina piece that I WILL own someday...oh yes...I WILL...
Also featured were plenty of fine musicians (thank you Chris B., Craig, Chris W., Mark and anyone else who played before I got there), some fine spoken word (thank you Alanna and the other guy I don't know), lots of yummy fine food (thank you Beth) and copious amounts of fine conversation (thank you everyone!)...all in all, it was one damn FINE evening!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
blood and donuts
Possibly my favourite Canadian movie ever, "Blood and Donuts" is the tale of Boya...he is a Vampire...he crawled into a bag in 1969 and went to sleep. Awakened 27 years later by a stray golf ball, he reluctantly emerges to an unfamilliar world.
Very funny are Justin Louis as the not so bright Cabbie who befriends Boya, and David Croneberg as the Mob leader who is trying to kill him. Cronenberg delivers a CLASSIC speech to one of his droans about leaving your mark on the world that is worth the price of admission.
This movie is VERY difficult to locate, and is impossible to rent in our fair town, but should the opportunity arise to view this gem, promise me you will. I guarantee you will be greatly entertained. Thank you to Mark Stevenson for bring this movie to the Sault during the 1996-97 Algoma Film Society season.
Very funny are Justin Louis as the not so bright Cabbie who befriends Boya, and David Croneberg as the Mob leader who is trying to kill him. Cronenberg delivers a CLASSIC speech to one of his droans about leaving your mark on the world that is worth the price of admission.
This movie is VERY difficult to locate, and is impossible to rent in our fair town, but should the opportunity arise to view this gem, promise me you will. I guarantee you will be greatly entertained. Thank you to Mark Stevenson for bring this movie to the Sault during the 1996-97 Algoma Film Society season.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Sin City
Holy crap!!...I saw "Sin City" yesterday and...HOLY CRAP!!!...what a freakin' movie!...Wow!...
As you may or may not be able to tell, I was blown away by this movie. Even if you are not a fan of graphic novels, or don't even know what a graphic novel is, this movie will blow your socks off! Beautifully framed and lit, black and white with just the right amount of colour, amazing action, a few VERY hot kisses, barely dressed sexy babes, the evilest of evil-doers, "pulp" stylings out the wazoo, some incredibly sexy leading men, Mickey Rourke AND Rudger Hauer (sp?) in the same flick WITH a scene together...there is no way this movie could go wrong...just go see it...it is truly ground breaking...
As you may or may not be able to tell, I was blown away by this movie. Even if you are not a fan of graphic novels, or don't even know what a graphic novel is, this movie will blow your socks off! Beautifully framed and lit, black and white with just the right amount of colour, amazing action, a few VERY hot kisses, barely dressed sexy babes, the evilest of evil-doers, "pulp" stylings out the wazoo, some incredibly sexy leading men, Mickey Rourke AND Rudger Hauer (sp?) in the same flick WITH a scene together...there is no way this movie could go wrong...just go see it...it is truly ground breaking...
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