Following the frantic purchase of 5 shirts at the merch booth (mine being a Black Kat Kustoms white wife-beater, of course), we headed out back to hang by the Social D. tour bus. The crowd there was small but enthusiastic. Booby girl was there, flashing her tits to anyone who asked...and at the tour bus...she REALLY wanted on that bus. I was chatting and sharing my Canadian cigarettes with a very nice girl, whose name I neglected to get. We were having fun but we all wanted to meet Mike Ness in a bad way.
Beth just wanted a souvenir from the show...a t-shirt just wasn't good enough, I guess. Her brilliant idea was to appropriate the license plate from the tour bus...go for it, baby...I'll be your look out. I had faith in her and her multi-tool...but alas, the multi-tool was one tool short and she gave up.
Rejoining the rest of the gang empty handed, I began talking with Alyssha, AKA booby girl. Her boyfriend is the most patient man on the planet...that's all I'll say.
Trevor disappeared behind the bus after taking Beth's mult-tool, but also returned empty handed...oh well. Shaking his head, the always reasonable Rob told us "You don't steal the license plate from a band that you like! That just screws them over." Good point...never thought about the possible consequences...ooops.
Okay...I'd waited long enough. I wanted to meet Mike Ness NOW! Just as I was about to flash MY boobies at the bus, a security dude came out and asked that we all extinguish our cigarettes...Mr. Ness was not coming out if we were smoking. WHAMMO...about 20 cigarettes hit the pavement and we held our breath...
All attention was on Mike Ness as he emerged from the bus. Inconspicuous was Johnny Two Bags who was wandering around the crowd. Beth was chatting with him, not realizing who he was...he even gave her a Baby Ruth chocolate bar after she mentioned she was hungry. Alyssha took notice of this and was a bit jealous, I think. Slinking over to them she said to Johnny, "I like candy. I like Tootsie Rolls" as she inserted her index finger into her mouth, rather suggestively, and sucked on it whilst removing it. BOY she wanted on that bus BAD! The classic response from Johnny Tow Bags was, "This ain't no Motley Crue show, honey." DEE-NIED!! It's good to know that a nice set of tits doesn't always get you what you want...
Joining Beth and Johnny, I got his autograph as Beth told me the tale of the chocolate bar and booby girl...we laughed.
Rob had the whole band sign his ticket. Trev was next in line to get Mike Ness' autograph. Handing him a pink girlie T, Trev felt the need to confirm his masculinity, and stated, "This is for my girl". Mike looked up at him with a thats-pretty-obvious-dude grin on his face...it was amusing.
I was next. I was nervous. It was Mike Freakin' Ness! Rob gave me a shove and there I was standing next to him. I looked down...WOW!...I had no idea he was short...his stage presence is so dynamic and huge. I proceeded to make a jack ass out of myself. "I have so many other peoples sweat all over me because of you and it's so cool!" is what I said to him. I became one of my own pet peeves...fans that say stupid things to their idols...IDIOT!
He looked up at me with this "Okay, what ever lady" look on his face and signed my shirt. Yep, I made quite the impression...drunk, smelly, babbling like an idiot wearing a mangled cowboy hat. I kinda wished I was booby girl at that point.
But the stupidity didn't stop there. The first thing I did after he signed my shirt was light a cigarette. I'm such a fucking moron! Grabbing me by the arm, Rob quickly pulled me away, reminding me about the whole smoking thing...SHIT!...I put it out.
Satisfied with our spoils, we decided to find a bar, have some beverages and discuss the show. Passing the bus, we noticed the license plate was gone...interesting...probably removed by security so idiots like us wouldn't steal it...ooops again.
Trev and Beth had to pee. Trev peed in a ditch. Beth couldn't do it. We went to the strip joint, but were not willing to pay $5.00 each to get in. Beth still had to pee. A peeler took Beth by the hand and took her to the bathroom...what a nice stripper lady.
Our only other adult beverage option was a pool hall that said "Casino" on their sign...but it wasn't a casino. Rob knew it wasn't a casino, but how, we're not sure...not that we wanted to gamble or anything, but the sign said "Casino". How did he know it wasn't a casino? It was perplexing and we obsessed on the whole casino thing until we got inside and realized, indeed, it was a pool hall and not a casino...very odd.
We took our places at the bar, ordered a jug of Blue and discussed the show. We all came to the same conclusion...it was AWESOME! We talked with the bartender for a bit, he ordered pizza for us and we headed back to the hotel.
In the room, we scarffed down the pizza, drank more beer and watched "Saturday Night Live". I took some goofy pictures and we crashed out around 1:00am...well, most of us crashed.
Trev snores REALLY loud. I snore pretty loud, but only when I've been drinking. Beth's snore is more like a purr. That left Rob wide awake for most of the night.
In the morning, I opened my eyes to see Trev trying to snuggle with Rob. It was too cute...I took a picture. Rob woke up cranky.
Beth reported over hearing Rob mutter under the snores, "Jesus Christ, just let me sleep." He said at one point during the night, he tried to sleep on the floor by the door...he even thought about getting his own room. Poor guy...I'm so sorry, honey.
We gathered our stuff and checked out hung over. Off to Denny's for breakfast...a very expensive breakfast but at least the juice wasn't served in a shot glass....mmmmm, hydration....
We were on the road back to the Sault by noon.
The ride home was fun, listening to Mike Ness and Social Distortion all the way. Beth and I slept a good portion of the way in the back seat...we felt safer back there, unable to see our near-deaths.
We stopped in Petoskey for a bit to look around and have lunch, which proved difficult. It seem s every restaurant in town is closed Sundays...every place Beth recommended was closed. We ended up at a coffee shop called the "Roast and Toast"...very cool place and I highly suggest you try it while visiting Petoskey.
After a short customs search at the Sault boarder, we arrived home by 6:00.
It was one hell of a show, not to be soon forgotten. I can't wait to see them again...
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Friday, June 03, 2005
This Ain't No Motley Crue Show, Honey...Part II (Licked by an Elephant)
This is what Mike Ness may have looked like in my pictures...FUCK!!!...okay...I'm over it now. Not really, but I'll pretend that I am...for your sake...
We missed the first act, The Eyeliners, an all girl punk band signed to Joan Jett's label, Blackheart Record Group. Apparently they're quite good, so here is their website for your listening and viewing enjoyment.
The next act, whose name escapes me, was very hardcore, very loud and pretty damn good...way better than "Johnny Petoskey"...buncha angry young men...Beth described the lead singer as a combination of Jack White and Craig West...hmmmm...interesting...long lost brother perhaps?
They left the stage and I was happy...happy because it was almost Mike Ness time...intermission music played...the Clash, the Ramones and a SMOKIN' version of "Black Betty" I ended up tracking down through "Lime Wire"...a band called "Spiderbait"...very cool...
Link Wray's Rumble cut through the smoke and called everyone to the stage, making us aware that something intense was about to happen. Rob disappeared into the crowd to secure his spot in front of the stage. Trev hung back to guard drinks and stay out of the way. Beth held my purse in her bigger purse. The Band took the stage and my nipples got hard.
He spoke...
"Awfully fucking early for a rock and roll show, isn't it?" It was about 7:30 at this point. "Let's get this Motherfucker started!" I was pleased to see he was on stage sans eyeliner...time to ditch the cosmetics, Mike, you've out grown them...
They were about one verse into the opening song, "Mommy's Little Monster", when I was overcome by a sudden urge to dive into the mosh pit. After all, Mike Ness could not spot me, fall in love and insist I fly away with him if I was hiding at the back of the room, now could he...I went for it.
Pushing and prying my way through mass of writhing, sweaty, smelly people was more fun than I anticipated. I spotted my opportunities and took them quickly. I would hover over some little girly girl, knowing she would not be able to last too long...sure enough, she would eventually look up at her boyfriend, terrified, and they would leave, letting me slip right in...the fact that I was pushing extra hard and being extra rough to these girls had nothing to do with it...
I was paid back...lost my hat a couple of times...had to sacrifice my image to save the hat by securing the chin strap...yep, I looked like a fucking dork, but I knew Mike wouldn't mind...got kicked in the head I don't know how many times...almost lost my glasses a few times...lots of elbows in the ribs...my feet were not touching the ground for a while, and when they were, they got crushed...IT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING FUN!!!! Even Beth could not resist the call of the pit, and ventured in for the last half of the show.
Mid-way through the show, Mike brought an adorable little girl onto the stage...the same little girl Trev had on his shoulders for a while. He delivered a speech about how much he appreciates all the "old timers" who have supported him these past 20 odd years. All the young guys around Rob turned and looked at him...sorry, dude...then Mike went on to say how important it was to teach the young ones not to make the same mistakes we did, following which they played "Prison Bound"...fitting...and the highlight of the show for Rob.
My highlight was "Story of My Life" and I danced as much as one could dance in such close quarters.
The highlight of the show for the band was when some...I think the term "broad" best describes her...got up on her boyfriend's shoulders, pulled down her red and white striped tube top and flashed her boobs to Mike Ness. "Wow. Wasn't expecting that. I've lost my train of thought." said Mr. Ness. I can understand why...those breasts were real and quite impressive...she should be proud. There is more about boobie girl to come later.
"I better hear all you Motherfuckers singing to this one!" was Mike's order to the crowd as they played Ring of Fire ...we complied and the crowd surfers were exceptionally busy, as well as security...it was one hell of a fucking rib crushing, ear bleeding, breath taking, sweat inducing, painful but fun, goddamn fucking awesome show!
I felt like I had been licked by an elephant when I emerged from the pit....
Monday, May 30, 2005
This Ain't No Motley Crue Show, Honey...Part I ( hi...we're not from here...)
* I have yet to upload my photos of the trip...they will be posted as soon as they are...thank you for your patience...
Anyone ever taken a road trip with Trevor Harding? How many near-death experiences did you have? I counted at least six occasions when the Reaper was climbing onto the hood of the Focus as Trevor "Mario Andretti-ed" us to Grand Rapids to catch Social Distortion. I relaxed every time "Fuzzy the Fuzz-Buster" would beep 'cuz he at least slowed for a few moments. "This is going to be close, folks..." he would warn, passing traffic left, right and center...but we made it one piece and I thank him from the bottom of the heart in my throat for driving.
Mid way to Grand Rapids, we made the mistake of stopping at an "Applebee's" for lunch. I joked about everything being "chicken fried and smothered in white gravy" and wouldn't you know it?...the waitress mentioned they had "chicken fried chicken" and the only gravy they had was "white country gravy"...this made us laugh........a lot. Rob, Trev and Beth all ordered the club sandwich. They arrived soaked and fried in grease...chicken fried, I suppose. I had a burger...it was NOT chicken fried was pretty good. The other three did not feel so hot following the consumption of their cholesterol specials...I was fine. When in doubt, always order a burger...it's hard to fuck up a burger.
Arriving in Grand rapids at about 4:00, we spent about half an hour driving around looking for the "Orbit Room". Fuzzy was going off randomly, apparently trying to tell us we were going in the wrong direction. The phrase of the day was "hi...we're not from here" which was uttered on numerous occasions to no one in particular as we pulled Beths patented "maneuver"...basically a U-turn anywhere necessary...the highway, busy intersections, exit ramps...ee gave up searching for the time being and decided to get the room and ask directions...Hotel 6 it was...ten bucks a person...can't go wrong with that.
As luck would have it, the Orbit Room was right across the street from our hotel. Next question; where's the nearest liquor store? Shanikwa at the front desk informed Trev that she didn't drink, so she didn't know. There was a pause of shock and a look of horror before he asked, "Do you have any friends that drink?" Smiling nervously, she ignored the question and finished checking us in.
Rob chilled in the room while Trev, Beth and I went in search of adult beverages. Spotting a sign out of the corner of my eye, "B&B Liquor" was seemingly the only option and our final destination. Fuzzy beeped franticly as we pulled up front, very happy for us....it was very amusing and some what eerie. We all felt like we had made a pilgrimage to Mecca when we walked in...this place put the LCBO to HUGE shame...they had everything under the sun in 20 different varieties. We stood mouths agape in awe at the entrance of the walk-in beer cooler...I have never seen so many beer I'd never heard of before. The woman who owned the store was very helpful, knowledgeable and proud of the fact we loved it so much..I think we made her day. With two six packs in hand each, we headed back to the hotel. Rob bitched that we didn't buy any "beer flavoured beer" but was happy to drink what we gave him.
Following the ravenous inhalation of a couple o' cold ones, we headed over to the Orbit Room, where I was crushed when security informed me I was unable to bring in the digital camera I had borrowed from Suzie....CRUSHED I tell you! For some reason, a disposable camera would have been fine...I don't get it. Frustrated, sad and angry with myself for not listening to Rob when he told me bring a disposable, I walked back to the hotel to put my only opportunity to have my own picture of Mike Ness away...I was beyond crushed...
Returning after chasing my cowboy hat down the highway, the scary security lesbian didn't even frisk me as I entered the venue...guess I wasn't her type...FUCK!! I could have stashed the camera in my pants had I known that. Inside, I took Rob by the shoulders, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Honey, for the first time I am saying this..." I took a deep breath, "You were right and I was wrong." Elated, he went running over to Trev and Beth to tell them what I had said.
Now guys, size does matter and in this case, smaller was better...the Orbit Room is about half the size of the Princess...fanfuckingtastic to see a rock and roll show...and to take pictures with a disposable camera...absolutely and utterly crushed...FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!! Why, oh why did I not listen to my ever so brilliant husband?
But I would not let this spoil my evening. I was about to see the talented, the nasty, the oh so sexy Mike Ness in the flesh...up close and personal...the excitement was almost overwhelming...
I needed a drink...there was a lot more crushing about to happen than I bargained for...
Anyone ever taken a road trip with Trevor Harding? How many near-death experiences did you have? I counted at least six occasions when the Reaper was climbing onto the hood of the Focus as Trevor "Mario Andretti-ed" us to Grand Rapids to catch Social Distortion. I relaxed every time "Fuzzy the Fuzz-Buster" would beep 'cuz he at least slowed for a few moments. "This is going to be close, folks..." he would warn, passing traffic left, right and center...but we made it one piece and I thank him from the bottom of the heart in my throat for driving.
Mid way to Grand Rapids, we made the mistake of stopping at an "Applebee's" for lunch. I joked about everything being "chicken fried and smothered in white gravy" and wouldn't you know it?...the waitress mentioned they had "chicken fried chicken" and the only gravy they had was "white country gravy"...this made us laugh........a lot. Rob, Trev and Beth all ordered the club sandwich. They arrived soaked and fried in grease...chicken fried, I suppose. I had a burger...it was NOT chicken fried was pretty good. The other three did not feel so hot following the consumption of their cholesterol specials...I was fine. When in doubt, always order a burger...it's hard to fuck up a burger.
Arriving in Grand rapids at about 4:00, we spent about half an hour driving around looking for the "Orbit Room". Fuzzy was going off randomly, apparently trying to tell us we were going in the wrong direction. The phrase of the day was "hi...we're not from here" which was uttered on numerous occasions to no one in particular as we pulled Beths patented "maneuver"...basically a U-turn anywhere necessary...the highway, busy intersections, exit ramps...ee gave up searching for the time being and decided to get the room and ask directions...Hotel 6 it was...ten bucks a person...can't go wrong with that.
As luck would have it, the Orbit Room was right across the street from our hotel. Next question; where's the nearest liquor store? Shanikwa at the front desk informed Trev that she didn't drink, so she didn't know. There was a pause of shock and a look of horror before he asked, "Do you have any friends that drink?" Smiling nervously, she ignored the question and finished checking us in.
Rob chilled in the room while Trev, Beth and I went in search of adult beverages. Spotting a sign out of the corner of my eye, "B&B Liquor" was seemingly the only option and our final destination. Fuzzy beeped franticly as we pulled up front, very happy for us....it was very amusing and some what eerie. We all felt like we had made a pilgrimage to Mecca when we walked in...this place put the LCBO to HUGE shame...they had everything under the sun in 20 different varieties. We stood mouths agape in awe at the entrance of the walk-in beer cooler...I have never seen so many beer I'd never heard of before. The woman who owned the store was very helpful, knowledgeable and proud of the fact we loved it so much..I think we made her day. With two six packs in hand each, we headed back to the hotel. Rob bitched that we didn't buy any "beer flavoured beer" but was happy to drink what we gave him.
Following the ravenous inhalation of a couple o' cold ones, we headed over to the Orbit Room, where I was crushed when security informed me I was unable to bring in the digital camera I had borrowed from Suzie....CRUSHED I tell you! For some reason, a disposable camera would have been fine...I don't get it. Frustrated, sad and angry with myself for not listening to Rob when he told me bring a disposable, I walked back to the hotel to put my only opportunity to have my own picture of Mike Ness away...I was beyond crushed...
Returning after chasing my cowboy hat down the highway, the scary security lesbian didn't even frisk me as I entered the venue...guess I wasn't her type...FUCK!! I could have stashed the camera in my pants had I known that. Inside, I took Rob by the shoulders, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Honey, for the first time I am saying this..." I took a deep breath, "You were right and I was wrong." Elated, he went running over to Trev and Beth to tell them what I had said.
Now guys, size does matter and in this case, smaller was better...the Orbit Room is about half the size of the Princess...fanfuckingtastic to see a rock and roll show...and to take pictures with a disposable camera...absolutely and utterly crushed...FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!! Why, oh why did I not listen to my ever so brilliant husband?
But I would not let this spoil my evening. I was about to see the talented, the nasty, the oh so sexy Mike Ness in the flesh...up close and personal...the excitement was almost overwhelming...
I needed a drink...there was a lot more crushing about to happen than I bargained for...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Social Distortion This Weekend!!!
That's right, folks...myself along with a few lucky friends are taking a small road trip this weekend to Grand Rapids to see the one, the only...SOCIAL DISTORTION!! I am very pumped about this show and hope that Rob is not too upset when Mike Ness asks me to marry him...I love him and his machismo...
To learn more about Social D., check out their website and prepare to become an immediate fan...and become very jealous that you're not going...nar-nar...
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Creepy Jakalope Eyes...
Sorry, I will not be writing about the Supersuckers, as worthy as they may be. I am spreading the word about the latest band...no...SUPERBAND to hit the scene...JAKALOPE. Rob Slack came home with this C.D. two days ago after hearing one song on CBC and now I'm hooked.
Jakalope is the brainchild of legendary producer Dave "Rave" Ogilvie, who has worked with many of the best, including Skinny Puppy, Nine Inch Nails, David Bowie and Marilyn Manson. They are confidently fronted by the 22 year old Katie B., who was managing Brian Adams' Warehouse Studio in Vancouver upon her discovery. She delivers a powerful, sweet and somewhat haunting vocal performance on the bands debut "In Dreams" album.
So why is this a "superband"? Along with Ogilvie, Anthony "Fu" Valcic (Skinny Puppy, Orgy, Staind) and Trent Reznor also performed on, co-wrote and produced the album. No...it doesn't stop there! There are also guest performances by Monster Magnet, Sloan, Kat Bjelland (from Babes in Toyland) and Lindy who, FYI, will be appearing here in the Sault on Saturday June 4, 2005 at the Downbeat Lounge.
This techno-industrial-goth album is worth more than just a listen. Visit the VERY cool Jakalope website to find out more and listen to some killer tracks by clicking here .
Jakalope is the brainchild of legendary producer Dave "Rave" Ogilvie, who has worked with many of the best, including Skinny Puppy, Nine Inch Nails, David Bowie and Marilyn Manson. They are confidently fronted by the 22 year old Katie B., who was managing Brian Adams' Warehouse Studio in Vancouver upon her discovery. She delivers a powerful, sweet and somewhat haunting vocal performance on the bands debut "In Dreams" album.
So why is this a "superband"? Along with Ogilvie, Anthony "Fu" Valcic (Skinny Puppy, Orgy, Staind) and Trent Reznor also performed on, co-wrote and produced the album. No...it doesn't stop there! There are also guest performances by Monster Magnet, Sloan, Kat Bjelland (from Babes in Toyland) and Lindy who, FYI, will be appearing here in the Sault on Saturday June 4, 2005 at the Downbeat Lounge.
This techno-industrial-goth album is worth more than just a listen. Visit the VERY cool Jakalope website to find out more and listen to some killer tracks by clicking here .
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Missing in Action
I have been missing in action for the past week or so, and for this I apologize...last weekend did me in...
Friday May 13, 2005, the lovely Patti Goodwin and I got together to watch movies...one of my favourites, in fact...the Canadian-made "Blood and Donuts" which I reviewed in an earlier post on this very blog. It had been many years since I had seen this gem, and it lost none of it's charm with age...funny as ever. Apparently it is for rent at the Video Network...go get it and laugh...you'll thank me for it.
...oh yeah...we also got drunk...
Saturday night was the first annual "Soo Central Celebraties and the Northshore Superior All-Stars all-nite charity Good Times Dance-A-Thon"...say that five times fast! It's just a fancy title for another of Robbie Adamson's fantabulous parties. This one stood out due to the retro 50's style and theme...numbers pinned to the back of your shirt, chicks in poodle skirts, Robbie in his referee shirt with a bull-horn on roller skates, live band musical chairs...lots of fun and games and trophies. I was awarded the "Life Time Achievement Award". When I told Craig West this, his comment was "Don't they usually award such things at the end of your life when there's nothing left to achieve?" Thanks Craig...thanks a lot...just remember who's older, buddy...
...oh yes...and I went to bed at 7:00am...drunk...
Sunday May 15, 2005 was, of course, the much anticipated BigSuit C.D. party at Galaxy Cinemas. Those boys played their little hearts out to an audience of about 220 people. They sounded great and fun was had by all. The after party at LopLops was packed and many musicians played many songs in many different combinations to many rounds of applause...more fun was had by all.
...and I drank again...
And now I'm sick...the sickest I have been in years, actually...flu, chest, fever thing...had to break out the bronchodilator, which I haven't needed in almost two years. It's my body telling me, "You're not 20 years old any more, ya old crow! You can't party like you used to." Getting old bites...
Friday May 13, 2005, the lovely Patti Goodwin and I got together to watch movies...one of my favourites, in fact...the Canadian-made "Blood and Donuts" which I reviewed in an earlier post on this very blog. It had been many years since I had seen this gem, and it lost none of it's charm with age...funny as ever. Apparently it is for rent at the Video Network...go get it and laugh...you'll thank me for it.
...oh yeah...we also got drunk...
Saturday night was the first annual "Soo Central Celebraties and the Northshore Superior All-Stars all-nite charity Good Times Dance-A-Thon"...say that five times fast! It's just a fancy title for another of Robbie Adamson's fantabulous parties. This one stood out due to the retro 50's style and theme...numbers pinned to the back of your shirt, chicks in poodle skirts, Robbie in his referee shirt with a bull-horn on roller skates, live band musical chairs...lots of fun and games and trophies. I was awarded the "Life Time Achievement Award". When I told Craig West this, his comment was "Don't they usually award such things at the end of your life when there's nothing left to achieve?" Thanks Craig...thanks a lot...just remember who's older, buddy...
...oh yes...and I went to bed at 7:00am...drunk...
Sunday May 15, 2005 was, of course, the much anticipated BigSuit C.D. party at Galaxy Cinemas. Those boys played their little hearts out to an audience of about 220 people. They sounded great and fun was had by all. The after party at LopLops was packed and many musicians played many songs in many different combinations to many rounds of applause...more fun was had by all.
...and I drank again...
And now I'm sick...the sickest I have been in years, actually...flu, chest, fever thing...had to break out the bronchodilator, which I haven't needed in almost two years. It's my body telling me, "You're not 20 years old any more, ya old crow! You can't party like you used to." Getting old bites...
Friday, May 13, 2005
What the...?
I'm cold and there's wolves after me...and my nipples could cut glass right now...and it's MAY...this sucks...that's all...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey Meet the Crack Hobo, Part III
Audioslave was FANFUCKINGTASTIC!! Chris Cornell was perfect. The tiny glimpses I saw around Mr. Fathead in front of me, were chock-full-'o spunk. Audio-Steve even made it down to the floor with the aid of Blondie's ticket...he lasted only four songs, big baby! Very amusing was the determined crowd surfer who finally made it close enough to the stage to have Mr. Cornell give him a "high-five", immediately after which he dropped completely out of sight and more than likely got trampled to death...hey, he died happy if that was the case...rock on, dude!
We continued to consume. I, due to the kind generosity of my concert-mates, managed to become pretty much the drunkest I've ever been. In fact, I turned to Pavlov and told him he was about to see me the drunkest I have ever been...once my mission was proclaimed, I had to follow through...people were counting on me to provide hours of amusement and canon fodder for future humiliation...and so it has come to pass...tales of my drunken foolishness have haunted me since our return...but more of that later...
Back to the show...
About mid-way through the concert, Sid and Nancy began to demonstrate signs of grave unhappiness with eachother...it is at this point I dubbed them "Sid and Nancy". What started out as a seemingly minor argument, escalated out of control in no time, resulting in one of the craziest "couples fights" I've ever witnessed...yelling, pushing, crying, going missing, possibly buying pot from some strange dude, more crying, yelling, pushing...
All of this just added to the crazy vibe in the theatre...dudes were falling down the stairs every two minutes...some guy got a surprise super-flying-face-punch, spraying blood all over the place, which didn't really seem to shock anyone except us outsiders...Chris Cornell kept dissing "the Boss"...
"Anyone who couldn't get tickets to this show had to go next door to see Springsteen!"...and the crowd goes wild...
But, alas, the show ended and I was sad. Outside the theatre, we were entertained by more drunk American antics. A more than slightly intoxicated dude was trying to force a more than slightly intoxicated broad into his truck while more than slightly annoyed security guys were trying to prevent him from driving. Meanwhile, in the background, young hoodlums were rooting through vehicles in the parking lot. I was just so damn happy to be where I was in my own head, I kept yelling, "I'm Donna, I'm drunk and I'm in Detroit!!" You can't pay for that kind of entertainment.
As everyone else walked back to the hotel, all the while trying to prevent street people and "hobos" from following them, I opted to accept a ride from Animal.
"Thanks for the ride, Animal." I slurred. "Can I grab your bum first?"
"Sure Donna."
"K...thanks."...with my hand on his butt the entire way to the car...classy...that's me!
As I poured myself out of the PT Cruiser and into the hotel lobby, I became immediately aware that Sid and Nancy were still at it. I was a bit miffed 'cuz they were harshin' my buzz, so I decided to take a seat at the hotel bar and ignore them for a while. I met some very nice people, and the cute girl with the Betty Page hair cut bought me a beer because the bartender would not accept "that Canadian crap" and I was out of American money...O.K., it wasn't really a beer...it was a Pabts (sp?) Blue Ribbon...the gesture was kind, none the less...since she was gracious enough to buy me a drink, I thought it was important to drink the same thing she was...plus I was having trouble thinking by this point.
We continued to consume. I, due to the kind generosity of my concert-mates, managed to become pretty much the drunkest I've ever been. In fact, I turned to Pavlov and told him he was about to see me the drunkest I have ever been...once my mission was proclaimed, I had to follow through...people were counting on me to provide hours of amusement and canon fodder for future humiliation...and so it has come to pass...tales of my drunken foolishness have haunted me since our return...but more of that later...
Back to the show...
About mid-way through the concert, Sid and Nancy began to demonstrate signs of grave unhappiness with eachother...it is at this point I dubbed them "Sid and Nancy". What started out as a seemingly minor argument, escalated out of control in no time, resulting in one of the craziest "couples fights" I've ever witnessed...yelling, pushing, crying, going missing, possibly buying pot from some strange dude, more crying, yelling, pushing...
All of this just added to the crazy vibe in the theatre...dudes were falling down the stairs every two minutes...some guy got a surprise super-flying-face-punch, spraying blood all over the place, which didn't really seem to shock anyone except us outsiders...Chris Cornell kept dissing "the Boss"...
"Anyone who couldn't get tickets to this show had to go next door to see Springsteen!"...and the crowd goes wild...
But, alas, the show ended and I was sad. Outside the theatre, we were entertained by more drunk American antics. A more than slightly intoxicated dude was trying to force a more than slightly intoxicated broad into his truck while more than slightly annoyed security guys were trying to prevent him from driving. Meanwhile, in the background, young hoodlums were rooting through vehicles in the parking lot. I was just so damn happy to be where I was in my own head, I kept yelling, "I'm Donna, I'm drunk and I'm in Detroit!!" You can't pay for that kind of entertainment.
As everyone else walked back to the hotel, all the while trying to prevent street people and "hobos" from following them, I opted to accept a ride from Animal.
"Thanks for the ride, Animal." I slurred. "Can I grab your bum first?"
"Sure Donna."
"K...thanks."...with my hand on his butt the entire way to the car...classy...that's me!
As I poured myself out of the PT Cruiser and into the hotel lobby, I became immediately aware that Sid and Nancy were still at it. I was a bit miffed 'cuz they were harshin' my buzz, so I decided to take a seat at the hotel bar and ignore them for a while. I met some very nice people, and the cute girl with the Betty Page hair cut bought me a beer because the bartender would not accept "that Canadian crap" and I was out of American money...O.K., it wasn't really a beer...it was a Pabts (sp?) Blue Ribbon...the gesture was kind, none the less...since she was gracious enough to buy me a drink, I thought it was important to drink the same thing she was...plus I was having trouble thinking by this point.
Buzz harsher no. 2; Audio-Steve came to the bar to get a glass of water for Nancy...and the situation went down hill from there. The bartender told Audio-Steve he really didn't want to drink the tap water and there was a water cooler next to the front desk. Audio-Steve repeated his request for a glass of water, ignoring what the bartender said. The portly man to my right reached across the bar and handed Audio-Steve a plastic cup and told him the water cooler was beside the front desk. No problem, right? In Audio-Steves version of the story, the bartender completely ignored him and the "fat fucking American guy" handed him a dirty cup, causing him to want to punch fat guy in the throat.
I think Audio-Steve was just bitter and angry because he had to unplug our toilet which Moe had completely fucked with his cocktail of puke and shit...then trying to calm Nancy down...someone he didn't really know or like that much. Every time he had her mellow, Sid would come in and be a cock-head, sending her off the deep end all over again. Pavlov spotted Audio-Steve skulking around the elevators with the plunger at one point and assumed he was hunting Sid down..."I'll plunge the fuck out of you, Mo' Fo'!!!"...
Making my way to our room, I passed Sid and nancy in the hall and had to dodge the flying beer cans...and Mummy who was obviously quite agitated by the whole situation as she pushed Nancy out of her room and into the hallway. Nancy was crying and said she was going to sleep in the hall by the elevators. Go for it, just be aware of the giant blood stain...Audio-Steve thought he would lend Mummy a hand by completely tossing the spare bed in her room and piling furniture on top of it so Sid and Nancy would not be able to sleep on it. Mummy eventually stopped him as he attempted to pee on the mountain of furniture. I believe he also got kicked out of the room at this point.
Things mellowed out...possibly due to hunger, so we ordered far too many pizzas from "Steves Island Pizza"...quarter inch crust with three inches of rock solid cheap mozzarella and little bug-like pellets that were supposed to be sausage on top. I think it was their "cardiac arrest" special. With a loud "I know you!", I insisted that the delivery girl was beside me at the concert, which freaked her out a bit, but entertained my friends. She lied when she said she was working all night, I just know it!
Still sporting my straight hair, I NEEDED a photo taken...Rick took one which I immediately forgot about. 30 seconds later, I demanded a photo be taken of me with my straight hair. Not wanting to upset the drunk crazy girl, Rick took another one...which I again forgot about. For a third time, I insisted that a photo be taken of me, and for a third time Rick complied with my request. When the forth request spilled out of my mouth, I was bombarded by solid, down right, absolute "NO"s. Fine! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!
Between this and my constant telling of the "girl with Betty Page hair cut" story, I was getting the impression that everyone had had enough of me. It was time for bed anyway. Off to the room I went...
The details of the following events are a bit cloudy, but I do remember offering to show Larry, Moe and Curly my left titty if they went to the other room to get me a beer...nothing...not a peep from them. I ask again, and still nothing. I went and got my own beer without showing anyone my left titty.
Audio-Steve decided he needed a cigarette and showed up at Rick's door completely bottomless, lettin' it all hang out. Rick gave him one, most likely to get rid of him. Not back in our room 30 seconds, Snow Bunny insisted he put the cigarette out, take his socks off and put some underwear on. Larry, Moe and Curly remained silent. In an attempt to get something, ANYTHING out of the three, Audio-Steve whispered rather loudly through the darkness to Snow Bunny, "Hey, whata ya think of the blonde one? He's cute, eh?!"...nothin'...needless to say, they were the first ones to leave in the morning.
Ahhh, morning...with my dry mouth and pounding headache, I got off easy...poor Rick opened his eyes to find Sid facing him, underwear around his ankles, sly grin on his sleepy little face and his dingles gleaming in the morning sun...I guess he and Nancy made up.
dragging our sorry heads out of the sack, we prepared for the journey home...showers were taken...cigarettes were smoked...rye was consumed directly out of the bottle...back to the Sault we headed.
Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve followed Snow Bunny and I and were very forgiving when we got them lost. We met up in Birch Run for lunch at a great Greek restaurant and had a marvelous time recalling the insanity of the night before.
Snow Bunny and I had lots o' laughs all the way home, including an indepth discussion regarding the proper spelling of Napoleon Dynamite's signature sigh of exasperation...she decided it would be "huughghghhhh", which works quite well. It's all fun and games until someone gets a speeding ticket...and a fine for not having proof of insurance.
"Can you just take this note and call my insurance company?" I don't recommend this tactic...Mr. State Trooper looked unimpressed by this, and didn't seem to notice the $30.00 bribe she had sitting on her lap. I was going to offer to show him my left titty, but he was a nervous little fella and I didn't want to make the situation any worse.
Finally home after having a weeks worth of fun, alcohol and craziness in less than 36 hours, I collapsed on my couch and stayed there until the next morning. I wanna go on that ride again, just not too soon.
Yup...Detroit was on fire...thankfully they put it out long enough to throw a rock concert...
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey meet the Crack Hobo, Part II
About two hours after the rest of us had checked in to the hotel, Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve finally showed up. To celebrate, we had more beer...
Why does the intake of frosty adult beverages always lead to spontaneous decisions regarding hair styles? Well, Mummy was tickled when I asked her to straighten my hair for our evening of debauchery and loud rock and/or roll. She and Nancy quickly went to work and had the job finished in about 5 minutes. Surrounded by "wow"s and "you look hot"s, my ego was sufficiently boosted and I was ready to go rock out with my cock out. Funny how a couple of our crew members would take this term literally...but that comes later...
After Mummy's wish to cab it to the concert was vetoed, we were off to the State Theatre half in the bag with road rockets in hand. The five minute walk was wrought with screams of "AUDIOSLAAAAVE" and trying to avoid eye contact with those asking for change or smokes. One guy tried selling us little tiny American flags on toothpicks. Audio-Steve was very proud of the fact that he found one on the ground and let the guy know about it; "FREE! See that, buddy!? I got one for FREE!" waving it in his face. I thought we were dead and pretended not to know Audio-Steve.
Pavlov said he wanted to buy some crack just to say that he did it, and he was going to "buy it from that hobo over there!" Hobos have bindles and ride trains...not sure if they sell crack on the streets of Detroit...what would Boxcar Willie say?...but "crackhobo" made us laugh, so it stuck.
Arriving at the theatre, I was relieved to find Animal waiting for us. He works in Detroit and lives in Windsor, so he was not part of our road trip. The line up around the theatre was impressive and was aptly kept under control by a very aggressive, yet funny, security dude; "Everyone going to Audioslave, this way!...you, STOP!...Walk briskly this way!" I asked if he could demonstrate for me just how to walk briskly, to which he laughed. I was determined that I was going to invite him back to our hotel to party with us "cracka's" after the show. My friends looked worried...I never did, dammit!
The show was close now...I was very excited. The theatre was very old and beautiful and was probably quite the sight in its hay day. We were in the balcony section at the back, but it was a fairly small place (I guess about 4000 capacity) so we could see pretty good...or so I thought. It turns out someone with a very large "heeed" was right in front of me...oh well...
Three guesses as to what the first thing we did when we got inside was, and the first two don't count...that's right...we headed for the bar(s). Five dollars (U.S.) for a plastic cup of Bud or Bud Light...too rich for my blood, especially for crap. Mummy bought one for me...at five bucks it's crap, but free crap is AWESOME! I drank it quickly and happily and broke down and bought more...I needed it...I really did...
The lights dimmed as the opening act took the stage. I have no idea who the opener was...meh...they weren't that good. There was some drunken discussion as to the name of the opening act and no one could get it quite right so we dubbed them "Johnny Petoskey"..."Johnny Knoxville" and "Johnny Polansky"were also options, but "Johnny Petoskey" just had a nicer ring to it...
Audioslave finally took the stage and we all went "coo-coo-bananas"...some of us more than others...
Why does the intake of frosty adult beverages always lead to spontaneous decisions regarding hair styles? Well, Mummy was tickled when I asked her to straighten my hair for our evening of debauchery and loud rock and/or roll. She and Nancy quickly went to work and had the job finished in about 5 minutes. Surrounded by "wow"s and "you look hot"s, my ego was sufficiently boosted and I was ready to go rock out with my cock out. Funny how a couple of our crew members would take this term literally...but that comes later...
After Mummy's wish to cab it to the concert was vetoed, we were off to the State Theatre half in the bag with road rockets in hand. The five minute walk was wrought with screams of "AUDIOSLAAAAVE" and trying to avoid eye contact with those asking for change or smokes. One guy tried selling us little tiny American flags on toothpicks. Audio-Steve was very proud of the fact that he found one on the ground and let the guy know about it; "FREE! See that, buddy!? I got one for FREE!" waving it in his face. I thought we were dead and pretended not to know Audio-Steve.
Pavlov said he wanted to buy some crack just to say that he did it, and he was going to "buy it from that hobo over there!" Hobos have bindles and ride trains...not sure if they sell crack on the streets of Detroit...what would Boxcar Willie say?...but "crackhobo" made us laugh, so it stuck.
Arriving at the theatre, I was relieved to find Animal waiting for us. He works in Detroit and lives in Windsor, so he was not part of our road trip. The line up around the theatre was impressive and was aptly kept under control by a very aggressive, yet funny, security dude; "Everyone going to Audioslave, this way!...you, STOP!...Walk briskly this way!" I asked if he could demonstrate for me just how to walk briskly, to which he laughed. I was determined that I was going to invite him back to our hotel to party with us "cracka's" after the show. My friends looked worried...I never did, dammit!
The show was close now...I was very excited. The theatre was very old and beautiful and was probably quite the sight in its hay day. We were in the balcony section at the back, but it was a fairly small place (I guess about 4000 capacity) so we could see pretty good...or so I thought. It turns out someone with a very large "heeed" was right in front of me...oh well...
Three guesses as to what the first thing we did when we got inside was, and the first two don't count...that's right...we headed for the bar(s). Five dollars (U.S.) for a plastic cup of Bud or Bud Light...too rich for my blood, especially for crap. Mummy bought one for me...at five bucks it's crap, but free crap is AWESOME! I drank it quickly and happily and broke down and bought more...I needed it...I really did...
The lights dimmed as the opening act took the stage. I have no idea who the opener was...meh...they weren't that good. There was some drunken discussion as to the name of the opening act and no one could get it quite right so we dubbed them "Johnny Petoskey"..."Johnny Knoxville" and "Johnny Polansky"were also options, but "Johnny Petoskey" just had a nicer ring to it...
Audioslave finally took the stage and we all went "coo-coo-bananas"...some of us more than others...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Audio-Steve and Johnny Petoskey meet the Crack Hobo, Part I
*The names in the following tale have been changed to protect the "not so innocent".
A plan was hatched...a road trip was anticipated...an Audioslave concert had to be witnessed...the fattest city in North America was the destination...the usual suspects were assembled;
Rick and Mummy
Sid and Nancy
Audio-Steve
Pavlov and Blondie
Snow Bunny
Larry, Moe and Curly
Animal
Myself
All was going according to the grand scheme. Everyone met on time at the Duty-Free store on our side of the border at 8:45 in the a.m. I was riding in the sweet blue beetle with Snow Bunny...a surprisingly spacious ride as long as you're not in the non-existent back seat. Mummy was in charge and handed out the "Map Quest" info and concert tickets...money was exchanged and beer was purchased...we were all on our way into the belly of the beast by 9:30.
Snow Bunny and I gabbed and laughed and made fun of people and things all the way down to Detroit...very easy to do in Michigan...the road side billboards alone...wow..."GUNS GALORE!!"..."Cheese Outlet" (mmmmm, last year's cheese)...we actually stopped and got gas at a "Jerky Outlet"...huh?!
Then there's "Mr. Insane". I call him this because the license plate on his very conservative blue Chevy Impala said "Insane"..."Look at me!...I'm CRAZY in my family sedan!"...I dare not leave out the woman in bum-fuck nowhere Michigan who refused to roll down her window so we could ask her where the McDonald's was...c'mon lady, we're CANADIAN for cryin' in the sink!...it's not like we were tapping on her window with a gun. I guess all the "GUNS GALORE!!" billboards had her a little freaked out.
Yup, the trip down was fun...until we got lost in the sketchiest of sketchy 'hoods in Detroit (stupid "Map Quest"!)....crack house, crack house, crack house, "Granny's Place Day Care", crack house....a very odd sight to behold. FYI, if you ever have to exit off of the I-75 at exit 50, you won't 'cuz the fucker is not marked! I guess what you're supposed to do is follow the exit to Toledo...obvious, right?
All of us got lost. Larry, Moe and Curly made it to the hotel first. They were not originally supposed to come on this little adventure, but one of our crew was unable to attend...Larry was his brother, who we knew slightly...the other two were complete strangers. Moe was a cocky SOB...quite full of himself...for no good reason. Curly seemed like he really wanted to join the rest of us in our quest for a state of complete and utter intoxication, but he was much too shy. Needless to say, we did not see a whole lot of them.
Next to arrive were Rick, Mummy, Sid and Nancy, soon followed by Snow Bunny and myself. No sign of Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve yet. Mummy is worried, hence her nickname...
Into the hotel we go...the lobby was promising...marble floors...oak railings and trim...beautiful architectural details everywhere...huge chandeliers...the stench of bum...that's right, bum...and I don't mean bum, as in street person, although there was a bit of that smell in there too. Still, the lobby was SOOO grand, my hopes remained up that our rooms would be just as fantabulous...until we got in the elevator. Not only did it ALSO smell of bum, but urine and maybe a touch of vomit too. My heart sank.
Into the room we went...no bum or vomit odors there, just urine. The room was a decent size with a little kitchenette, two double beds and a sitting area. The view was pretty good from our 16th floor perch...we could see right into all the abandoned buildings surrounding us, as well as the hotel parking lot...every vehicle in which had the "club" on the steering wheel. Not the best area of town, to say the least.
I was shocked (but not really) when I looked around the room and noticed the multitude of mysterious "protein" stains that covered virtually everything in sight. And I'm pretty sure the HUGE stain in the hallway was blood...we all decided it was very important to start consuming mass quantities of alcohol right away...we made it so...
A plan was hatched...a road trip was anticipated...an Audioslave concert had to be witnessed...the fattest city in North America was the destination...the usual suspects were assembled;
Rick and Mummy
Sid and Nancy
Audio-Steve
Pavlov and Blondie
Snow Bunny
Larry, Moe and Curly
Animal
Myself
All was going according to the grand scheme. Everyone met on time at the Duty-Free store on our side of the border at 8:45 in the a.m. I was riding in the sweet blue beetle with Snow Bunny...a surprisingly spacious ride as long as you're not in the non-existent back seat. Mummy was in charge and handed out the "Map Quest" info and concert tickets...money was exchanged and beer was purchased...we were all on our way into the belly of the beast by 9:30.
Snow Bunny and I gabbed and laughed and made fun of people and things all the way down to Detroit...very easy to do in Michigan...the road side billboards alone...wow..."GUNS GALORE!!"..."Cheese Outlet" (mmmmm, last year's cheese)...we actually stopped and got gas at a "Jerky Outlet"...huh?!
Then there's "Mr. Insane". I call him this because the license plate on his very conservative blue Chevy Impala said "Insane"..."Look at me!...I'm CRAZY in my family sedan!"...I dare not leave out the woman in bum-fuck nowhere Michigan who refused to roll down her window so we could ask her where the McDonald's was...c'mon lady, we're CANADIAN for cryin' in the sink!...it's not like we were tapping on her window with a gun. I guess all the "GUNS GALORE!!" billboards had her a little freaked out.
Yup, the trip down was fun...until we got lost in the sketchiest of sketchy 'hoods in Detroit (stupid "Map Quest"!)....crack house, crack house, crack house, "Granny's Place Day Care", crack house....a very odd sight to behold. FYI, if you ever have to exit off of the I-75 at exit 50, you won't 'cuz the fucker is not marked! I guess what you're supposed to do is follow the exit to Toledo...obvious, right?
All of us got lost. Larry, Moe and Curly made it to the hotel first. They were not originally supposed to come on this little adventure, but one of our crew was unable to attend...Larry was his brother, who we knew slightly...the other two were complete strangers. Moe was a cocky SOB...quite full of himself...for no good reason. Curly seemed like he really wanted to join the rest of us in our quest for a state of complete and utter intoxication, but he was much too shy. Needless to say, we did not see a whole lot of them.
Next to arrive were Rick, Mummy, Sid and Nancy, soon followed by Snow Bunny and myself. No sign of Pavlov, Blondie and Audio-Steve yet. Mummy is worried, hence her nickname...
Into the hotel we go...the lobby was promising...marble floors...oak railings and trim...beautiful architectural details everywhere...huge chandeliers...the stench of bum...that's right, bum...and I don't mean bum, as in street person, although there was a bit of that smell in there too. Still, the lobby was SOOO grand, my hopes remained up that our rooms would be just as fantabulous...until we got in the elevator. Not only did it ALSO smell of bum, but urine and maybe a touch of vomit too. My heart sank.
Into the room we went...no bum or vomit odors there, just urine. The room was a decent size with a little kitchenette, two double beds and a sitting area. The view was pretty good from our 16th floor perch...we could see right into all the abandoned buildings surrounding us, as well as the hotel parking lot...every vehicle in which had the "club" on the steering wheel. Not the best area of town, to say the least.
I was shocked (but not really) when I looked around the room and noticed the multitude of mysterious "protein" stains that covered virtually everything in sight. And I'm pretty sure the HUGE stain in the hallway was blood...we all decided it was very important to start consuming mass quantities of alcohol right away...we made it so...
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Side Show Lipstick Lady
I have been in the service industry going on 15 years now...you can say that I've entered my "bitter years". It happens to every server sooner or later. A point is reached where it doesn't matter how much in tips one makes, it is not worth the hastle, bullshit and abuse. I'm not quite at that point yet...I still enjoy my job...most of the time. But there are those nights when it seems every lunatic on the planet seeks my place of employment to engage in various break downs, threatening behaviors and general "have-yous-got-a-smoke-I-haven't-showered-in-four-months-and-I-drink-Listerine-for-shits-and-giggles" type craziness...it's a side-show without the Dog Faced Boy...
There are times, however, when these can be times of optimum amusement...the perfect example being the "lipstick Lady", as I like to call her. It was a fairly quiet Sunday night and I had some of my favourite regulars at the bar, including Dan Nystedt. We were sharing music, stories and laughs when a woman in her mid-50's wandered in and took a seat at the bar.
At first glance she seemed a bit odd...extreme make up, layers of mismatched clothing and a very large purse that she could have smuggled a Mexican family of 9 in...I chalked all of this up to poor taste and asked her what she wanted to drink. The most annoying question in the world came out of her mouth; "What kind of beer do you have?"
All of our beers are listed on a chalkboard above the beer fridge, about 6 feet in front of her. With my "inside voice" scratching and clawing to get out, I patiently listed all of our beer...all forty of them. She of course, ordered a Coors Light. Typical.
I went about my business, pouring drinks and chatting with my friends, when I noticed a high level of activity from the Lipstick Lady...she was taking everything out of her ginormous purse and organizing it all on the bar. This intrigued me, so I pulled up a stool and watched. I'm not sure if anyone else at the bar noticed anything odd at this point...it wasn't until she started talking to her tube of lipstick that I discretely got everyone's attention. Now we were all watching her.
Dan was VERY amused by the whole situation and tried his best to out-crazy her...yelling at the top of his naturally booming voice things like "KILL WHITEY!" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!"...no reaction from Lipstick Lady. I finally decided it was not in the bar's best interest to continue serving her and told her I would have to take her beer away.
As I was refunding her $4.00, she asked me, "Have you ever gone on mining expeditions in the Artic?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I cautiously said, "No." She then asked me, "Have you ever hiked across the ice caps for Bombardier." Another cautious "No" from me. "Well I have!", she yelled at me. She then told me that this was the worst run business she had ever seen and it was doomed to fail. Shocked, amused and a little frightened all at the same time, I gladly complied with her request for a cab.
When I emerged from the kitchen after calling the cab company, Lipstick Lady was gone. Dan laughed profusely as he told me I should cancel the cab as Lipstick Lady decided she was going to walk to Bakersfield. We're in Sault Ste. Marie...I don't know of any Bakersfield around here...but where ever she ended up, she had her lipstick to keep her company.
There are times, however, when these can be times of optimum amusement...the perfect example being the "lipstick Lady", as I like to call her. It was a fairly quiet Sunday night and I had some of my favourite regulars at the bar, including Dan Nystedt. We were sharing music, stories and laughs when a woman in her mid-50's wandered in and took a seat at the bar.
At first glance she seemed a bit odd...extreme make up, layers of mismatched clothing and a very large purse that she could have smuggled a Mexican family of 9 in...I chalked all of this up to poor taste and asked her what she wanted to drink. The most annoying question in the world came out of her mouth; "What kind of beer do you have?"
All of our beers are listed on a chalkboard above the beer fridge, about 6 feet in front of her. With my "inside voice" scratching and clawing to get out, I patiently listed all of our beer...all forty of them. She of course, ordered a Coors Light. Typical.
I went about my business, pouring drinks and chatting with my friends, when I noticed a high level of activity from the Lipstick Lady...she was taking everything out of her ginormous purse and organizing it all on the bar. This intrigued me, so I pulled up a stool and watched. I'm not sure if anyone else at the bar noticed anything odd at this point...it wasn't until she started talking to her tube of lipstick that I discretely got everyone's attention. Now we were all watching her.
Dan was VERY amused by the whole situation and tried his best to out-crazy her...yelling at the top of his naturally booming voice things like "KILL WHITEY!" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!"...no reaction from Lipstick Lady. I finally decided it was not in the bar's best interest to continue serving her and told her I would have to take her beer away.
As I was refunding her $4.00, she asked me, "Have you ever gone on mining expeditions in the Artic?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I cautiously said, "No." She then asked me, "Have you ever hiked across the ice caps for Bombardier." Another cautious "No" from me. "Well I have!", she yelled at me. She then told me that this was the worst run business she had ever seen and it was doomed to fail. Shocked, amused and a little frightened all at the same time, I gladly complied with her request for a cab.
When I emerged from the kitchen after calling the cab company, Lipstick Lady was gone. Dan laughed profusely as he told me I should cancel the cab as Lipstick Lady decided she was going to walk to Bakersfield. We're in Sault Ste. Marie...I don't know of any Bakersfield around here...but where ever she ended up, she had her lipstick to keep her company.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
"...it's like watching fish walk..."
Last night was yet another mighty fine musicians night at Lop Lops. Due to overlapping events at the bar, there were quite a few people in attendance, and everyone seemed to have a fantastic time.
Mark Kuntsi started things off and played one of my favourites; "Eat My Brain" by the Odds(...thank you Mark!...), boldly breaking tradition by not playing an original song. This lead to an almost complete evening of cover songs. This puzzled me at first until I realized that, from a musicians stand point, it is easier to get on stage and jam something you may have heard before rather than risk butchering an original tune you've NEVER heard before...at least that's my take on it...I could be talking out my ass right now, and I'm sure my friends will let me know.
The jam was a lot of fun and somewhat surprising...Craig played bass...Lord Pugh played drums (which provoked Cliff to mutter to me, "That bastard has way too much talent!")...James sang, Frank sang, Lindsay sang, Mark sang, Craig sang...guitars were flying everywhere...it was pandemonium! It brings a tear to my eye when I see all my kids making nice and sharing their toys...by the way, Lindsay, you're lucky you got your guitar back. I think James Case was ready to make a run for it!
I chuckled to myself during the long blues jam as I watched Craig West criticize himself in his own head, smirking to himself and shaking his head...and even putting the guitar down and walking off stage at one point. Outside later, I asked him about this to which he responded, "... me playing blues guitar is like watching fish walk"...unnatural as it may be, Mr. West, it's all part of evolution and necessary for the propagation of the species...you've already dipped into electronic music...I look forward to your next step....maybe you could develop the ability to absorb nutrients through osmosis...that would be SO cool...even cooler than the "whalphin"...
Mark Kuntsi started things off and played one of my favourites; "Eat My Brain" by the Odds(...thank you Mark!...), boldly breaking tradition by not playing an original song. This lead to an almost complete evening of cover songs. This puzzled me at first until I realized that, from a musicians stand point, it is easier to get on stage and jam something you may have heard before rather than risk butchering an original tune you've NEVER heard before...at least that's my take on it...I could be talking out my ass right now, and I'm sure my friends will let me know.
The jam was a lot of fun and somewhat surprising...Craig played bass...Lord Pugh played drums (which provoked Cliff to mutter to me, "That bastard has way too much talent!")...James sang, Frank sang, Lindsay sang, Mark sang, Craig sang...guitars were flying everywhere...it was pandemonium! It brings a tear to my eye when I see all my kids making nice and sharing their toys...by the way, Lindsay, you're lucky you got your guitar back. I think James Case was ready to make a run for it!
I chuckled to myself during the long blues jam as I watched Craig West criticize himself in his own head, smirking to himself and shaking his head...and even putting the guitar down and walking off stage at one point. Outside later, I asked him about this to which he responded, "... me playing blues guitar is like watching fish walk"...unnatural as it may be, Mr. West, it's all part of evolution and necessary for the propagation of the species...you've already dipped into electronic music...I look forward to your next step....maybe you could develop the ability to absorb nutrients through osmosis...that would be SO cool...even cooler than the "whalphin"...
Thursday, April 14, 2005
"Sunday's my birthday and I don't want to go to a mental hospital!"
It is lines like this that make B-Grade movies so much damn fun, and last night's viewing of "Slumber Party Massacre II" was a BLAST! Starring Crystal Bernard (you may remember her from "Wings"), this gem has all the classic B-Grade elements; shallow teenage girls (who happen to be in a band together), stupid jock boys with nothing but sex on their brains, severed limbs, exploding pustuals, REALLY bad music, some naked boobies (unfortunately, not only on the ugly girl, but on the REALLY ugly girl), a blow-up doll, a chick in a mental hospital warning her sister about "going all the way" (delivered in dream form, of course), skin-tight pink spandex and BIG hair and a hugely noticeable lack of parental supervision...and I haven't even gotten to the villain, yet!
Picture it...small town, USA...1987...in walks an Andrew Dice Clay wanna-be dressed in black leather fringe, playing a sadistic looking red "guitar" with a giant drill for a neck (his more than phallic murder weapon). This Rockabilly Driller Killer is followed throughout the movie by a mysterious fog machine, red spot lights and horrible 50's rock knock-offs. What really makes this bad guy special is his seemingly uncontrollable need to break into an off-off-Broadway-production-of-"Grease"-style song and dance routine, taking time out of his busy schedule to entertain his future victims before drilling them to death...priceless!
Patti described the movie as a really bad "Kids in the Hall" skit. Rob Slack had this to say about the "film";
The hypothesis of the film is that '80's is on the higher moral ground than '50's Rockabilly. The girls represent the conservative values of the Regan era. The killer, in his '50's garb, with his phallic guitar-drill, is a symbol of the anti-authoritarian stance of the Rockabilly generation. When the girls hear a '50's style song on the radio, off come the clothes and bring on the booze. This is clearly a statement concerning the undermining influence Rockabilly music has upon good-American family values.
...I guess in Rob's case, the movie was bit more thought provoking...
The second movie of the evening was "Blue Monkey"...there was no monkey...there wasn't anything that even remotely resembled a monkey...there weren't many blue things, either. What there WAS, was Steve Railsback (who starred as Charles Manson in "Helter Skelter") fighting a ginormous bug, who, while in the larvae stage, was shat out of the mouth of an elderly landscaper following a thorn prick from a mysterious volcanic plant, causing a highly contagious infection that could only be stopped through the consumption of alcohol...huh?!...
...all in all, not NEARLY as entertaining as "Slumber Party Massacre II"...I hope there's a third!...
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The Agriculture Club this week end!
That's right Cow Boys and Cow Girls!...the one, the only, the Agriculture Club will be performing this Friday night at the Downbeat Lounge. Take it from someone who has seen them live, if you are even a little bit of a fan of alt-country or cow-punk, this band is a must see.
Band members Waylon Nelson, The Rubber Duck, Gordon Leadfoot and Luther Chickengravy "rock out with their cocks out" with a cattle prod in one hand and their "instruments" in the other. Tugging at your heart strings are tunes about shooting your dog behind the barn, stealing for a loved one and drinking Pilsner beer. Check out their website here. I'll see y'all there!
"Y'all question authority now, ya hear!"
Band members Waylon Nelson, The Rubber Duck, Gordon Leadfoot and Luther Chickengravy "rock out with their cocks out" with a cattle prod in one hand and their "instruments" in the other. Tugging at your heart strings are tunes about shooting your dog behind the barn, stealing for a loved one and drinking Pilsner beer. Check out their website here. I'll see y'all there!
"Y'all question authority now, ya hear!"
Saturday, April 09, 2005
...she wore one sexy, strapless dress...
Thursday, April 7/05 was the opening of our cute little Katina Schell's art exhibit, "She Wears Four Dresses", at Lop Lops lounge and gallery. The evening was fine in every aspect...and I don't mean "fine" in a George Carlin, sarcastic "How are you today?...Fine...", or fine hair kind of fine. I mean a "Damn, baby, you look FINE!" kind of fine. And our artist did, indeed look FINE in her sexy little strapless number.
First and foremost, Katina's fine art boldly took centre stage and, at least for me, punctuated the fact that spring is finally upon us. Her beautiful bold colours and flowing forms are the perfect companion for our new weather and my brighter mood...thank you Katina! Pictured here is my favourite Katina piece that I WILL own someday...oh yes...I WILL...
Also featured were plenty of fine musicians (thank you Chris B., Craig, Chris W., Mark and anyone else who played before I got there), some fine spoken word (thank you Alanna and the other guy I don't know), lots of yummy fine food (thank you Beth) and copious amounts of fine conversation (thank you everyone!)...all in all, it was one damn FINE evening!
First and foremost, Katina's fine art boldly took centre stage and, at least for me, punctuated the fact that spring is finally upon us. Her beautiful bold colours and flowing forms are the perfect companion for our new weather and my brighter mood...thank you Katina! Pictured here is my favourite Katina piece that I WILL own someday...oh yes...I WILL...
Also featured were plenty of fine musicians (thank you Chris B., Craig, Chris W., Mark and anyone else who played before I got there), some fine spoken word (thank you Alanna and the other guy I don't know), lots of yummy fine food (thank you Beth) and copious amounts of fine conversation (thank you everyone!)...all in all, it was one damn FINE evening!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
blood and donuts
Possibly my favourite Canadian movie ever, "Blood and Donuts" is the tale of Boya...he is a Vampire...he crawled into a bag in 1969 and went to sleep. Awakened 27 years later by a stray golf ball, he reluctantly emerges to an unfamilliar world.
Very funny are Justin Louis as the not so bright Cabbie who befriends Boya, and David Croneberg as the Mob leader who is trying to kill him. Cronenberg delivers a CLASSIC speech to one of his droans about leaving your mark on the world that is worth the price of admission.
This movie is VERY difficult to locate, and is impossible to rent in our fair town, but should the opportunity arise to view this gem, promise me you will. I guarantee you will be greatly entertained. Thank you to Mark Stevenson for bring this movie to the Sault during the 1996-97 Algoma Film Society season.
Very funny are Justin Louis as the not so bright Cabbie who befriends Boya, and David Croneberg as the Mob leader who is trying to kill him. Cronenberg delivers a CLASSIC speech to one of his droans about leaving your mark on the world that is worth the price of admission.
This movie is VERY difficult to locate, and is impossible to rent in our fair town, but should the opportunity arise to view this gem, promise me you will. I guarantee you will be greatly entertained. Thank you to Mark Stevenson for bring this movie to the Sault during the 1996-97 Algoma Film Society season.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Sin City
Holy crap!!...I saw "Sin City" yesterday and...HOLY CRAP!!!...what a freakin' movie!...Wow!...
As you may or may not be able to tell, I was blown away by this movie. Even if you are not a fan of graphic novels, or don't even know what a graphic novel is, this movie will blow your socks off! Beautifully framed and lit, black and white with just the right amount of colour, amazing action, a few VERY hot kisses, barely dressed sexy babes, the evilest of evil-doers, "pulp" stylings out the wazoo, some incredibly sexy leading men, Mickey Rourke AND Rudger Hauer (sp?) in the same flick WITH a scene together...there is no way this movie could go wrong...just go see it...it is truly ground breaking...
As you may or may not be able to tell, I was blown away by this movie. Even if you are not a fan of graphic novels, or don't even know what a graphic novel is, this movie will blow your socks off! Beautifully framed and lit, black and white with just the right amount of colour, amazing action, a few VERY hot kisses, barely dressed sexy babes, the evilest of evil-doers, "pulp" stylings out the wazoo, some incredibly sexy leading men, Mickey Rourke AND Rudger Hauer (sp?) in the same flick WITH a scene together...there is no way this movie could go wrong...just go see it...it is truly ground breaking...
Thursday, March 31, 2005
One more try...
...guys really will do anything for head, won't they?...
I finally figured it out and I am at this very moment doing a very silly "happy dance". After all of my troubles trying to figure this out, I thought this image was appropriate. I'm a smart gal (I think) but html just makes no sense to me...it is evil...it is the Randy Quaid of computer...things...what ever it is...OK, now I feel like Derek Zoolander...anyway...
...next lesson, Dr. West?...and thanks...
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
OK Mr. West...the whole inserting a photo into my BLOG was NOT easy...in fact it has driven me to an insane, murderous rampage!!! Gimme some teen tarts to run down!!!
...help me...PLEASE!!
...help me...PLEASE!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
